Leslie walks into Paul’s office.
Paul: Thank you for coming!
Leslie: You’re my boss, I don’t think I had much of a choice.
Paul: I wasn’t going to fire you if you didn’t come in! Of course, it would’ve made it a lot harder to give you your trip itinerary if you hadn’t.
Leslie: Itinerary?
Paul: Yes, filming is getting very close, we went ahead and booked filming locations across Europe based on the wishlist you gave me.
Leslie: I’m glad you took my wishes into consideration, but I’m not sure why you didn’t ask me for final approval.
Paul: I needed to get everything locked down, it’s not a slight against you.
Leslie: There’s that old, controlling Paul!
Paul: I’m not trying to control your show, this is just a network doing its job.
Leslie: I’m just giving you a hard time. I’m glad you went through the trouble of booking the filming locations, I certainly didn’t want to do that.
Paul: I was able to get some great deals, too! Your show’s a pretty big international hit, a lot of countries were very eager to get you to film there.
Leslie: I do have a question, though. Is that British woman still accompanying us?
Paul: Yes, Jacqueline is going with you. She’s going to be your guide and keep watch like I did when I was in Rhode Island with you.
Leslie: We can behave ourselves, Paul.
Paul: I know that, but I like having a supervisor from the network to just make sure everything’s going smoothly.
Leslie: I understood it when it was just you wanting a free vacation, I don’t understand why you’re inflicting this woman on us.
Paul: I explained this, Leslie. You’re doing me a favor, Jacqueline is try to convince the board to give her my job. Taking her out of the equation would kill any momentum she’s building up.
Leslie: Oh, that’s right! I forgot you had an actual strategy to this.
Paul: She’s not an awful person, I must say. Just an ambitious one.
Leslie: Don’t worry, I know just who can kill those ambitions! By the time we’re done with our European tour, she’s going to quit the industry altogether! No one survives Sam, Frances and Charlotte!
Paul: What about Diane?
Leslie: She wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Paul: She certainly doesn’t like me.
Leslie: Few do.
Paul: I’ll miss this dynamic. You guys enjoy yourselves, okay?
Leslie: It’s one season, Paul. We’ll be back. You’ll get to harass us again.
Paul: I don’t know.
Leslie: What do you mean you don’t know?
Paul: I’m not sure I’ll be able to go back to Rhode Island again when you film. That’s not today’s issue, though. I hope you all have fun over there, it’s going to be a great season, relish in this adventure. Few ever get this opportunity!
Leslie: Thank you for all of this. We really do all appreciate this new chapter. Even Sam.
Paul: It’s nothing! We see the opportunity to build up international hype for this show to levels previously unknown. We believe in it so much, I believe in it. Now, you’d best be going, I know you have a lot of preparations to make. Give me a call any time you need to talk, no matter the time. I’ll be on the line.
Some time later, Sam and Diane are on the phone with each other.
Diane: What are you packing for the trip?
Sam: Clothing.
Diane: You know what I mean!
Sam: I actually don’t. You’d think after thirty years of touring and working on location, you’d know how to pack for a trip.
Diane: I was just wondering what you were taking. I already know what I’m taking. I’ve packed so many cute new outfits!
Sam: Why?
Diane: It’s a new adventure, it requires new clothes!
Sam: My old wardrobe fits just fine, thank you.
Diane: I didn’t pack a whole new wardrobe, just five or six new outfits. What if I meet the queen? I can’t wear the same dresses I’ve worn on TV for almost ten years!
Sam: She’s dead.
Diane: The king, then.
Sam: I don’t think he really minds?
Diane: He and Camilla are huge fans! He’s said so!
Sam: I doubt he’s a big enough fan to notice a repeat outfit.
Diane: Regardless, I’ve needed an update for a while.
Sam: That is true. Not everyone has such a timeless style like me.
Diane: You wear a black blazer and black dress pants every day!
Sam: Timeless!
Diane: So, you excited about this trip?
Sam: To Europe? I’ve been there before.
Diane: Not as a group you haven’t!
Sam: Yeah, traveling with Garry, that surely makes it more appealing.
Diane: You love Garry!
Sam: I don’t even think Carly loves Garry.
Diane: Don’t be cruel!
Sam: It’s not cruelty, it’s honesty!
Diane: They have two children, they’re a wonderful family.
Sam: If you insist.
Diane: You’re in rare form today.
Sam: Packing is a real bitch, Diane.
Diane: Imagine doing it while also putting a new wardrobe together!
Sam: Again with the new wardrobe…
Diane: I haven’t been working lately, it’s the only interesting thing going on in my life right now!
Sam: What about your grandchild, have you not seen them?
Diane: Them? Are you taking a progressive approach to gender or did you forget whether my son had a daughter or a son? Because I would appreciate one and would not at all appreciate the other.
Sam: I’m whichever one you appreciate, although I do think it’s nice that you give me enough credit to assume I remember that it’s your son that’s had the baby.
Diane: I have a granddaughter, her name is Alice, you may remember -
Sam: Of course, how can I forget meeting little Alice?
Diane: You haven’t.
Sam: Well, I’ve really got to get going, so busy w-
Diane: You’re not getting off that easily!
Sam: That’s what Nicolle said to me on our wedding night!
Diane: TMI. Now, back to my grandchildren.
Sam: Amazing segue.
Diane: I thought so. Anyhow, I’ve gone to see Ben and Alice a few times, but she’s just started preschool, I can’t be bugging them that much. So, for the most part, I’ve just been here at home doing nothing.
Sam: I wish you’d told me, I’d have invited you on the tour!
Diane: I think I’m done with the touring life. I’m ready to settle down.
Sam: Oh, really? Then what’s this trip?
Diane: This wasn’t my choice, although I think a series of twelve week-long vacations in beautiful European locales is different than riding a tourbus across Minnesota.
Sam: Yeah, they don’t have hotdish in the UK.
Diane: Thank god, my arteries would be clogged if they did.
Sam: Okay, I really do think I should get off the phone and start packing.
Diane: You haven’t started?
Sam: See, I knew you’d react like that if I told you!
Diane: We are leaving in two days, most people pack for a three-month trip a bit sooner than that.
Sam: I pack very quickly, I’m an expert.
Diane: I certainly hope so.
Sam: Has anyone ever told you what a Debbie Downer you can be?
Diane: You do. Very often.
Sam. Good. The truth must be spread.
Two days later…
Frances: Charlotte, I can not believe you.
Charlotte: What?
Frances: Business class wasn’t enough for you?
Charlotte: I’m an Oscar winner, why would I travel in glorified coach?
Frances: Business class is not glorified coach!
Sam: Why do you care so much?
Garry: Well, I think it would have been nice for us to all fly together.
Sam: I slept most of the way, I couldn’t care less about where anyone else sat.
Diane: Aren’t you guys all so glad to be back together?
Frances: Another thing!
Leslie: Here we go.
Frances: Why did we fly into Boston? Last I checked, that’s not Italy!
Leslie: Planes need to refuel, Frances.
Frances: And it takes all night?
Leslie: We have a six hour layover, is that so bad?
Frances: It’s very annoying.
Diane: We’re meeting Melanie here so she can fly in with us. I think that’s worth the wait!
Frances: I disagree.
Garry: She gets cranky when she hasn’t slept.
Sam: You would know.
Carly: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sam: Oh, nothing!
Frances: They have this “joke” -
Diane: No we don’t!
Carly: I’m even more curious now.
Garry: They like to joke that Frances and I are having an affair.
Carly: Ha! Her?
Frances: What’s that supposed to mean?
Carly: Take it however you want.
Leslie: So where is Melanie meeting us?
Frances: Does it matter? We have half a day until it’s time to fly out of here.
Leslie: You are so negative!
Frances: I am so tired and ready to get there.
Sam: Even if the flight took off right now, we wouldn’t land for at least eight hours.
Frances: Really?
Charlotte: You know it’s only 2:30, right? It’s too early in the day to be this tired.
Frances: Airports and planes drain a person.
Sam: Luckily, we won’t be at many airports or on many planes anytime soon. Just once a week for the next three months.
Frances: Don’t remind me!
Leslie: You are such a troll.
Sam: It is my greatest joy in life.
Melanie: Guys!
Charlotte: Finally, someone normal.
Melanie: I’m so sorry I’m late, my grandfather dropped me off. You know how the seniors drive.
Sam: Yeah, some of us have driven with Diane before.
Diane: I am not a senior!
Sam: By whose definition? June Squibb?
Diane: Senior is a state of mind.
Sam: She’s a little delusional about her true age.
Diane: I am not!
Leslie: Anyway, we’re all glad you’re here.
Melanie: I’m so nervous, I’ve never been a production assistant before. I barely know what to do.
Leslie: You’ll get a hang of it quickly. If you don’t, though, it doesn’t matter. This is pretty much just an excuse to give you a free vacation.
Melanie: That’s very sweet of you, but I’d feel funny getting paid for a job I’m not good at. I have to adapt to this job, or else.
Leslie: You’ll be fine! It’s an easy job.
Charlotte: Not with this cast.
Leslie: They’ll be fine. Right, guys?
Frances: I don’t know why you’re looking at me, Charlotte’s the diva!
Charlotte: I am not!
Sam: All you need to know is that I am VERY easygoing.
Leslie: You make people cry.
Sam: Garry’s not a person!
Carly: He’s the best person I know!
Sam: You have to say that, you’re still trying to justify your decision to marry him!
Diane: This is gonna be a fun trip.
Frances: I’m going to take a nap.
Six hours…
Announcer: Now boarding, Delta Flight 491 to Rome.
Diane: Frances! Wake up!
Charlotte: I can’t believe she slept for five hours!
Sam: I can’t believe she slept through you dumping that cup of mustard on her when you were eating that pretzel.
Charlotte: Surely she won’t be able to tell?
Sam: We’ll just blame it on someone else if she does.
Frances: Tell what
Charlotte: Darn!
Leslie: Can we try to avoid missing our flight? Everyone up!
Angela (boarding agent): Can we see your passports and tickets please?
Garry: Who has the tickets?
Sam: I thought you had them?
Garry: No one trusts me to keep track of things, why would I have them?
Sam: I’m just messing with you! I got ‘em!
Garry: I don’t like you.
Sam: I know.
Charlotte: Yes, I am that Charlotte Keen, Academy Award winner. I know Jamie Lee Curtis, we have tea once a month when I’m living in Los Angeles.
Angela: Ma’am, could you please -
Charlotte: Yes, I’ll sign something for you, hand me a pen.
Angela: I was going to ask if you’d move along, you’re good to go now.
Charlotte: Oh!
Diane: Ego crush is so severe, god, it’s brutal out here.
Charlotte: Shut up, Diane!
Angela: Oh my god, Diane! You were on that sitcom!
Diane: I was!
Angela: Could you sign something for me?
Charlotte: Oh, screw you, uh… Angela!
Diane: Don’t mind her, she’s suffering from a severe mental illness, it’s called “celebrity.”
Leslie: Can we move the line along, please!
Angela: You’re good to go, ma’am.
Diane: You have a nice day!
Angela: Miss, there’s an issue here.
Melanie: What’s the issue?
Angela: Who is “Melanie Sabatino?” The ticket is issued to a Melanie Herrera.
Melanie: Oh, that was my married name! I changed it years ago.
Angela: We’ll need your last name on the passport to match your last name on your boarding pass.
Melanie: Are you sure?
Angela: I’m afraid so. If we had documentation of your name change, then we could allow it.
Diane: Is there a problem?
Angela: My married name is still on my passport, so they’re not letting me on the plane.
Diane: Angela! Come on! For a friend?
Angela: I’m afraid I can’t.
Diane: So she can’t board?
Angela: Not without documentation.
Diane: Then we’re all staying.
Frances: We’re what?
Diane: She can get that documentation, we’ll just fly out tomorrow instead. You have a flight tomorrow, right?
Angela: You’ll have to check with an agent, but we should.
Diane: Come on, everyone, let’s go!
Frances: What about our luggage?
Diane: We can get it when we fly in tomorrow, sleepy!
Sam: Of all the harebrained schemes…
Melanie: I’m sorry about all this!
Sam: That doesn’t help much, but I’m glad you recognize whose fault this is.
Diane: Knock it off!
Melanie: I’ll call up grandpa and see if he can find some documentation of my name change. It should be easy to find, I have it in my records.
Sam: Wish that could be of use right now.
Leslie: Oh, come on, it’s one day!
Frances: We already have such little time in Rome before we have to go off to Pisa, it’ll only be four days now.
Diane: And we’ll make it work, because we have to. We’re not leaving Melanie here by herself!
Leslie: I’ll call Jacqueline and tell her we won’t be arriving tonight.
Melanie: Again, I’m very sorry. This is not how I wanted our trip to start!
Charlotte: They’d better take good care of my bags, that’s top-of-the-line luggage filled with designer outfits.
Angela: We can arrange a hold for your bags in Rome until you arrive tomorrow.
Diane: Thank you, Angela.
Sam: I have very little kind to say about this situation, so I’m going to hold my remarks out of respect for underpaid workers.
Frances: I’ll say it!
The next day…
Charlotte: That was awful!
Diane: It wasn’t that bad!
Charlotte: Coach? Coach? For eight hours?
Diane: I know it’s not the pampered life you’re use to, but it’s fine.
Charlotte: It’s not fine! We were crammed in like sardines. Why did this cheap-ass network not pay for a private fli-
Jacqueline: Welcome!
Frances: Ah! Where’d you come from?
Jacqueline: I already picked up your bags. Took me quite a while, but I was afraid they’d get stolen, they were just setting out.
Leslie: Thank you, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: It’s no trouble! After all, I feel so bad for you, missing out on a whole day of exploring Rome!
Melanie: It’s all my fault!
Jacqueline: You must be Melanie! I’ve heard a lot about you. A lot.
Leslie: All good!
Jacqueline: Most good.
Garry: So, it’s morning here, and we’re already concerned about missing out on sightseeing. How about we drop out things off at the hotel and then hit the town?
Frances: I’m exhausted!
Diane: Are you okay?
Frances: Travel is really bad for me.
Sam: We’re all a little jet lagged. Sleep is not very easy when you’ve been traveling so much.
Charlotte: Also, those beds at the airport hotel are just awful!
Diane: It was a Hilton!
Charlotte: Not a good Hilton.
Diane: Oh, celebrities…
Jacqueline: Well, welcome to Europe! I think you’re going to enjoy it!
Sam: I’ll bet.
What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas season premiere? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
