Frances is hosting a dinner party with her family and friends.
Frances: I’m going back inside quick, does anyone need anything to drink?
Marcia: I’ll have a glass of water.
Frances: Anyone else?
Jane: What do you have?
Frances: Why don’t you just come in with me? I think that’ll be easier for you.
Jane: Okay.
Greg: So, anyone have anything exciting going on?
Beverly: I’m going for a colonoscopy later this week.
Greg: Wow, that’s crappy.
Louise: Literally.
Beverly: It’s just one of many incredible benefits that comes alongside turning fifty!
Greg: She’s fifty years old, and she can kick, stretch, and kick!
Beverly: I can’t do any of that.
Greg: Fifty, fifty years old!
Beverly: Is that a bit or something?
Lauren: It’s a Molly Shannon character from SNL.
Jimmy: I have some big news of my own to share.
Louise: You do? Since when?
Jimmy: I just found this out earlier today, no one but me knows about it yet.
Louise: Oh, so now you’re keeping secrets from your wife?
Marcia: Louise, this is why people dislike you.
Louise: Wow! You’re saying that to me in my home?
Greg: This is not your home.
Louise: Maybe I should go somewhere I’m wanted, then. Clearly, that place is not here.
Lauren: Mom, dial it back a bit.
Louise: I’m just tired of people treating me like dirt and pushing me around! I’m worthy! I deserve respect!
Lauren: It’s hard to imagine that anyone couldn’t find you fun and enjoyable to be around.
Jimmy: Anyway, I found out earlier today that Jaime is moving to California to seek an acting career.
Jane: Jaime?
Lauren: My cousin. Dad and Frances’s niece.
Jane: I know that, silly! Jaime and I used to be an item!
Louise: Oh god, I forgot about that. That was so weird.
Jane: It was love!
Marcia: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Jane: No, really, it was!
Beverly: Marcia, she’s a simpleton, she thinks she and the cashier at the grocery store are in love just because their hands touched last week.
Jane: We have a connection!
Jimmy: I don’t think being a believer in love makes someone a simpleton.
Frances: What were you all saying while I was gone? I heard loud chatter, so maybe a fight? As much as I love drama, I’m hoping it was not a fight.
Jimmy: Oh, they’re just all hating on the idea of love.
Frances: True to character. How’d we get on that subject, though?
Jimmy: Jaime is moving out to California.
Jane: And some haters say she and I were never in love!
Louise: Last I recall, she was in a relationship when you saw her last. Probably because you two knew each other for all of a week.
Jane: We can really connect with someone in a week!
Louise I don’t doubt that you… connected. I just doubt that it meant as much to Jaime as it did to you.
Frances: Let her dream. It’s harmless!
Louise: Not if Jaime is moving here. Jane may delude herself into believing they have a future.
Jane: I’m not a stalker, and I’m not delusional! I just really like Jaime and I’m excited to see her again.
Frances: See? She’s just excited to see here. That’s all.
Jimmy: Besides, even if she does seek her out and try to get together with her, wouldn’t it be amazing if they were able to make it work?
Louise: Stop putting ideas in the head of someone so impressionable!
Greg: Okay, I think that’s enough of this conversation. Anyone have anything interesting happen at work this week?
Beverly: We got to make margaritas with Jimmy Buffett!
Marcia: Jane saw his name written down on the schedule and thought he was the inventor of buffets.
Jane: I know who he is now, you don’t need to make fun of me!
Marcia: Who is he then?
Jane: He sings Sweet Caroline!
Marcia: That’s Neil Diamond!
Jane: You think I should get Jaime a diamond? But we’re not even back together yet!
Jimmy: You know, on second thought, you’re right, Lou. This is a bit frightening.
Louise: Told ya so.
The next weekend…
Frances: When is Jaime’s flight getting in?
Louise: Why?
Frances: We have to pick her up, no?
Louise: At LAX?
Frances: No, Burbank.
Louise: That’s almost as long, still a torturous drive.
Frances: Well someone has to pick her up!
Jimmy: I can do it.
Frances: I never implied I didn’t want to.
Lauren: I still think it’s really sweet you’re letting her stay here until she can get on her feet in LA. Your house is becoming a sort of refuge for members of our family.
Frances: Yeah, not by my choice, either. But, it’s family, I can’t turn my back on family. Besides, how bad would it look if I let you guys stay here for years when you moved here and then didn’t let her stay?
Jimmy: I promise, we’re gonna be out here as soon as we can!
Louise: We had a setback this week, though.
Frances: Of course you did!
Louise: You seem upset.
Frances: No, it’s fine. I love not having my house to myself, I think it’s just swell!
Lauren: I think you’ve upset her.
Frances: Nope, I’m good! I’m willing to do whatever it takes for the sake of my family!
Louise: The way she’s smiling is scaring me.
Greg: I think let’s just, uh… let’s let her get some time alone while she goes and picks up Jaime.
Jimmy: That feels like a good idea.
Frances: If I’m going to do that, and I do want to, I’m gonna need to know when her flight is arriving.
Jimmy: Two hours
Two hours later…
Frances: Hey! You looking for a ride?
Jaime: Oh my god, finally someone normal!
Frances: Oh, yeah, we’re hard to find out here.
Jaime: I thought avoiding LA would mean I got to avoid the nuts, but -
Frances: Burbank was not the way to go if you were looking for sanity.
Jaime: I know that now!
Frances: Now, let me help you with that luggage, we’ve got a lot of catching up to do!
Jaime: Thank you again for reaching out and offering to let me stay. It’s not going to be long, I promise.
Frances: Stay as long as you need, your aunt and uncle certainly have.
Jaime: That’s why I don’t plan to be a burden. You have enough on your hands.
Frances: Trust me, you’re going to be a welcome respite from their crazy. Anything would be.
Jaime: Are they that bad?
Frances: I love them, but they’re a lot.
Jaime: Yeah, that was always my impression of them back when they were in Michigan.
Frances: They’re just, uh, always there. You’re gonna love it, though, it’s a fun house.
Jaime: So, anyway, what have you been up to, besides dealing with uncle Jimmy and aunt Louise?
Frances: Just focusing on getting through life, you know. I met Jimmy Buffett.
Jaime: That’s fun!
Frances: Less fun was the Celine Dion concert I had to sit through a few weeks ago when I was dragged to Vegas. Don’t tell your aunt Marcia or my buddy Beverly, though, they think I loved it.
Jaime: I love Celine Dion!
Frances: Many do. I respect the talent, not so much the cheesy songs. For the sake of my show, though, I’m a huge fan.
Jaime: Are you having Celine Dion on your show?
Frances: We’re trying. Son what’s up with you, how’d you decided in your late twenties that you were destined to be an actress?
Jaime: I did a commercial for a local company. The guy in charge said I have the face of a star. He called me up a few weeks later and told me that the owner of the theater thought I’d be good for a role, I agreed to it, and I’ve had the acting bug ever since.
Frances: This is a tough industry, kid. I’m happy for you trying to live out a dream, but few ever succeed. I will be here to support you no matter how it goes.
Jaime: I know the risks, don’t worry. I don’t think I’m gonna be the next Meryl Streep, but I do think I can make it, or at least do something to make this move worthwhile.
Frances: It’s always good to have confidence in yourself. I believe in you, too.
Jaime: That brings me to another thing.
Frances: Thanks you your uncle, I’m always so scared when I hear someone say that.
Jaime: I don’t know what sort of Hollywood acting connections you have, since you work on a cooking network -
Frances: It’s a baking network really, I’m just very versatile in my skills.
Jaime: I was wondering if you could talk to anyone you knew who could help me out, just to get my name out there. Maybe some producer friends, or directors, or -
Frances: I know just the woman! On Monday, we’ll go talk to her.
Jaime: Wow, that was easy.
Frances: Jaime, I basically own this woman, she’ll do anything for me, and I don’t hesitate to ask anymore.
Jaime: You own a person?
Frances: Theoretically.
The next day, in Dana’s office…
Essie: I’m not saying DeAnna has to like me, but I really wish she’d just stop directly making digs at me on her show.
DeAnna: They’re not about you, they’re about -
Frances: Ladies, I don’t know what this is about, but would you mind?
DeAnna: Who the hell is this?
Essie: It’s so nice to meet you, I’m -
Jaime: Essie Santarita! Aunt Frances, is this who I’m here to meet?
Frances: Essie? How the heck can Essie help you? She’s… Essie.
Essie: I’m sure you mean that in the nicest way possible.
DeAnna: What nice way could she mean?
Jaime: She’s a TV legend! Everyone knows her!
Essie: Aww, thank you! Do you want an autograph?
Jaime: That’d be great!
Dana: Everyone, shut up! Frances, you have to make an appointment!
Frances: I’m your #1 show
DeAnna: You sound like Kathy Bates in Misery.
Dana: What brings you here, Frances?
DeAnna: We were having a discussion, Dana!
Dana: You were arguing and I was watching. I’m done watching. DeAnna, stop being mean to Essie. Essie, learn to deal with her. This is just part of the package with her.
Essie: May I return to sender?
Dana: You may not. Now, you two head out and deal with this on your own, like adults. Remember, I am not your therapist!
Essie: She clearly does not have one.
DeAnna: I don’t know why you hate me so much all the sudden, you used to like me just fine before.
Essie: Then I got to know you!
Dana: Exactly, now move along and leave me be.
Frances: Ahem.
Dana: Oh, right, Frances is here with a mystery woman!
DeAnna: She willingly arrived with Frances, so she must be trouble.
Dana: Out! Now!
DeAnna: Remember who you’re talking to!
Dana: Yes, a giant pain in my ass!
DeAnna steps outside and Dana slams the door in her face.
Dana: So, what’s up?
Frances: Dana, meet my niece, Jaime.
Dana: It’s nice to meet you. I assume you’re here so your aunt can inform me that you’re joining her show in some capacity.
Frances: Not quite!
Dana: Very out of character for you. I’m guessing you are asking for something from me, though. You need her in the country club, too?
Jaime: No, I’m not an uppity rich lady, I don’t do country clubs.
Frances: Not all of us are uppity!
Dana: I’m not sure I’d agree.
Frances: I’m a woman of the people!
Jaime: You sure are!
Frances: Don’t humor me just for the sake of humoring me!
Dana: Anyway, what are you here to ask me for?
Frances: Jaime moved to California for an acting career. She’s very talented, she’s very easy to work with, she’s a director’s dream.
Dana: I’m not a director, Frances.
Frances: You have connections, Dana! I’m not asking for you to try and get her a job handed to her, but just talk about helping her get auditions. That’s all.
Dana: I’ll see what I can do, okay?
Frances: That’s all I ask!
Jaime: Thank you for talking with us and giving us the time of day, I really do appreciate it.
Dana: You saved me from DeAnna and Essie’s nonsense, I should thank you. In fact, if you guys could stick around for a bit yet, just to make sure they’re really gone, that’d be great.
Thirty minutes later…
Beverly: Ah, look who’s finally back!
Frances: We would have been back a lot sooner if it weren’t for Dana forcing us to stay.
Beverly: Forcing you?
Frances: She was afraid DeAnna was waiting outside to talk to her.
Jaime: It was fun, I really got to know her.
Frances: It was less fun for me.
Jaime: I don’t know why you’re always calling her such a hard-ass, she’s a nice lady!
Frances: She cane, but she’s a tough boss.
Marcia: She gives you a raise any time you ask, I think most people would love to have a boss that “tough.”
Jane: Oh my god, Jaime! No one told me you were gonna be here!
Frances: You have to be joking.
Beverly: Didn’t we -
Frances: Have a whole conversation about this with her last week? Yes.
Jaime: Jane! You look great!
Jane: You look even better!
Marcia: Yes, everyone looks great, it’s hard to believe we haven’t all completely changed since the last time we were all together one single year ago, now can we get to work?
Jane: Marcia, you don’t understand, I’ve been dreaming of this for years!
Marcia: For what?
Jane: To get to see her again!
Marcia: Like I said, you just saw her last year!
Jane: But last year was sad! She said she moved on.
Jaime: And I regretted it ever since!
Marcia: Ladies, uh… could we do this elsewhere?
Beverly: Shh! Don’t mess with love.
Marcia: Today is my anniversary, I’d like to get home to my love sometime before midnight!
Jane: What do you mean you regretted it?
Jaime: That relationship didn’t work out. Ever since you came back to town, I realized that what was missing in that relationship was fun! Fun, and a genuine connection. I thought just because we were alike, it was a match. It wasn’t. We had something special.
Marcia: You knew each other for three days!
Jaime: Sometimes that’s all you need to know if someone’s right for you.
Beverly: Earl and I got engaged two weeks after our first date. We just knew!
Jaime: Jane, we’re finally living in the same state. I want to give this a real shot if you want to.
Jane: If I want to? Of course I want to!
Marcia: That’s nice. Can we get to work now?
Beverly: You’re such a buzzkill.
Marcia: I just feel like this should be done in private, this is a personal matter.
Frances: Oh, don’t be such a Negative Nel- you know what, the kissing’s overdoing it now, I agree with you.
Beverly: On the plus side, Jane’s usually so useless that her being distracted by Jaime hasn’t impacted production whatsoever. In fact, usually she’s messing something up by now, so we’re ahead!
Three days later…
Jimmy: Jaime! What are you doing with your luggage?
Louise: Is she getting a room upgrade? In don’t think that’s fair, we’ve been here way longer!
Greg: Yes, you sure have been.
Louise: Drop the tone!
Lauren: Maybe she’s just putting it in the closet, it’s been a bit of an eyesore setting out in the living room like this for four days.
Jaime: I’m actually leaving.
Frances: She sure is! On to bigger and better things!
Lauren: What?
Louise: Oh, kiddo. The acting career already flatlined?
Jaime: No! I have my first audition next week! I’m just moving in with Jane.
Jimmy: Wow, what they say about the lesbians and the U-Hauls is true!
Louise: Oh my god, what?
Jaime: Did you not know we were together?
Louise: I’m just taken aback a bit. You know she’s a simpleton, right?
Jaime: She’s a lot smarter when you get to know her.
Louise: No.
Jimmy: We’re very happy for you, Jaime.
Jaime: I know it’s wild, and it’s fast, but I really do think I love her. I think it’ll last.
Louise: Rethink this.
Lauren: Ignore her, she just can’t handle being wrong.
Frances: Which is ironic, because she’s always wrong.
Jaime: Oh, I just heard a horn! Jane must be here!
Louise: They let her drive?
Jaime: She’s a great driver.
Frances: Yeah, she drives me crazy every day at work. Absolute expert at it.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
