Frances walks out of her office and onto the set of the show.
Frances: What are you ladies talking about?
Marcia: Not much, just trying to entertain ourselves during your break.
Beverly: We were trying to figure out what to do for the Fourth of July.
Frances: I know what I’m doing: relaxing at home.
Beverly: Really? On a major holiday?
Frances: I’ve been forced to work the last few years on the Fourth. This year, I’m taking that day for me time. No fireworks, no entertaining, just me and Greg.
Beverly: How will that work with Louise and Jimmy at your house?
Frances: Damn, didn’t think of that.
Marcia: Hard to believe you could forget them. You spend most of your time complaining about them!
Frances: I do not!
Marcia: You do.
Frances: Beverly, be honest, do I?
Beverly: You do air your grievances often.
Jane: Okay, here’s your lunch. I forgot what you wanted to drink so I just got what I wanted and then if you don’t want it, I can have it.
Marcia: Sounds good, no?
Frances: Thank you, Jane. Our lunch break is just about over, but I’ll shovel this down quick.
Marcia: Jane, none of us know what to do for the Fourth of July. Got any ideas?
Jane: What’s happening then?
Marcia: Oh my god.
Jane: You guys are so gullible! I’m joking!
Marcia: It’s really hard to tell with you.
Jane: Jaime and I were planning on going to Frances’s house.
Frances: Oh were you?
Jane: That’s what I do every other year!
Marcia: Frannie has decided she doesn’t love America this year. Is that not disgraceful?
Frances: I did not say that! I just want a calm holiday with my husband on one of my few days off.
Marcia: Sounds like a convenient excuse to me.
Frances: An excuse for what? I don’t need any excuses to not want to throw a big party!
DeAnna: Who’s throwing a big party?
Frances: No! Out!
DeAnna: I didn’t even say anything!
Jane: Frances says she’s not having a Fourth of July picnic this year!
DeAnna: I always knew she was anti-American. Now I’ve got proof.
Frances: You people are deranged. And what are you even doing here?
DeAnna: I heard bickering and I decided to be nosy.
Beverly: At least she’s honest.
Frances: It’s her one redeeming quality.
DeAnna: I have one question, while we’re on the subject of patriotism.
Frances: We are not talking about patriotism!
DeAnna: Did Dana not ask you guys to do a live Fourth of July special this year? She’s having me do one. It’s supposed to be two hours, we’re getting fireworks and all that!
Marcia: I think Frances yelling at her about last year’s special discouraged her from asking again.
Frances: Good! Last year’s special was terrible to film! I couldn’t enjoy my company because I had a camera shoved in my face and had to make low-rent picnic food on live TV!
Marcia: That was not low-rent, that was a family recipe!
Frances: It was terrible, but not because of the recipe, because the ingredients were sitting out in the hot California sun for four hours before I made it!
Beverly: I’m partial to a g good spoiled potato salad myself, nothing quite like it.
Frances: Is there anything more you wanted, DeAnna? Or could you leave us be? We have a to-rated show to film.
DeAnna: Fine, I know when I’m not welcome.
Marcia: Do you? There’s no data to suggest this.
DeAnna: Very funny,.
Marcia: I try to be!
DeAnna: Try a bit harder.
Beverly: All right, everyone to the set, it’s time to get filming going again.
DeAnna: Enjoy hating America, Frances! Adios!
Frances: I do not -
Marcia: Ignore her!
Later that night…
Greg: Can you believe it’s almost July?
Frances: This year’s flying by too quickly, it feels like it just started a few weeks ago.
Louise: I wish I could say the same but, you know… homeless.
Lauren: You’re not homeless!
Louise: I’m not living in my own home, that’s for sure.
Lauren: Homeless means you are entirely unhoused. You’re living in a mansion.
Louise: In a basement of a mansion, that is.
Lauren: A finished basement with a bed and a personal bathroom and a wine cellar.
Louise: I’m not allowed to touch any of it!
Frances: Damn right you’re not! That is a carefully-curated collection of the finest wine in the United States.
Lauren: Regardless, you’re still living well. There are so many people in this state that aren’t
Louise: I never said there weren’t, I’m just saying, this has been a long, rough year for me.
Lauren: I can’t relate. I’m living my absolute dream, working for the kindest woman in show business.
Jimmy: Really? I’m so glad to hear you’re enjoying it, I feel like I never hear you talk about your job.
Lauren: Oh, that’s because I’m being sarcastic! It’s an awful job, DeAnna’s an awful boss, but it pays well and it gives me experience. Also, the hours are pretty good.
Jimmy: Well, glad to see you’re focusing on the positives. Speaking of positives, I stopped by the party store to get supplies for the Fourth of July party!
Frances: The what?
Jimmy: The Fourth of July Party! Are your ears going as you get older?
Frances: When did I say I was having one of those?
Jimmy: We have one every year!
Greg: It’s the highlight of summer every year for me.
Frances: Maybe for you! I have to work every year on it! Not this year, I’ve put an end to that, and to my party.
Jimmy: Well, I’ve already invited a bunch of people?
Frances: You did what?
Jimmy: Yeah, I called them up today!
Frances: Shocker!
Jimmy: Everyone said they’re really excited to come!
Frances: Of course they did. Who is “they,” by the way?
Jimmy: Jaime, Jane, Beverly, Marcia, all the neighbors, your boss Dana -
Frances: How did you get Dana’s number?
Jimmy: I asked Beverly!
Frances: Why would you do this?
Jimmy: I just figured you lost track of the time! You’re very busy!
Frances: No! I didn’t want to entertain this year, I’m so burned out by constantly having to entertain the two of you!
Louise: That’s not very nice! We’re very thoughtful houseguests!
Frances: If by “thoughtful,” you mean “only thinks of yourselves, then yes, you sure are exactly that.
Jimmy: Frances! This is unlike you!
Frances: I’m just tired, I miss having a house to myself, I miss days when I could just relax and unwind with my husband and my husband alone. It’s nothing against the two of you, it’s just a massive change in my life, and I hoped that my day off could be a small respite from that.
Jimmy: Where were you planning to send us?
Frances: Magic Mountain!
Jimmy: You wanted us to celebrate our nation’s birthday at Six Flags?
Frances: I know of no place more patriotic! It has six flags!
Louise: Only one of the flags is American.
Lauren: Did you guys know that one of the six flags of Six Flags signifies the Confederate flag?
Louise: What?
Lauren: It’s true! It refers to the six flags that have flown over Texas over the course of its existence.
Frances: Anyway, about Fourth of July. If you’ve invited all these people, and they say they’re coming, I will begrudgingly agree to put on a party. This is the last time, though. Next year, I’m spending it relaxing and enjoying my day off poolside.
Jimmy: I appreciate you being understanding with my little blunder here. I won’t do it again!
Louise: Understanding? She nearly ripped your head off!
Frances: What I said doesn’t even come close to how much you berate him every day!
Lauren: Ladies, ladies, stop fighting! You’re both emotionally abusive to dad, and that’s okay! He accepts it!
Jimmy: I don’t know if I’d -
Louise: Not now, the adults are talking.
Two weeks later…
Greg: So, you excited for the party?
Frances: I’m wearing my red, white and blue caftan and glasses with the flag printed over the lenses, this is as excited as I get for this holiday.
Greg: You look very fashion-forward!
Frances: Thank you, Tim Gunn.
Greg: I mean it! Very patriotic.
Frances: That’s how I intended to look. God bless America!
Jimmy: Isn’t it good I accidentally forced you to do this when you didn’t want to?
Frances: I wouldn’t say “good,” but I’m dreading it less now than I was a few weeks ago. Today can be a fun day.
Greg: It’s a shame they’re making Lauren work all day, it would’ve been nice to have her around for the party.
Jimmy: She has to deal with us enough, some time away won’t hurt her.
Greg: Usually I’d agree, but when that time is spent with DeAnna, we’re definitely an improvement.
Louise: Hey, did I go a little overboard with my outfit?
Frances: I’m scared to look, everything better be covered!
Louise: Oh, you WISH I’d just show everything off for free!
Frances: Ew!
Louise: Everything is covered. I’m just starting to worry that this looks a little costume-y.
Frances: Can we see it?
Louise: Don’t judge me. Please.
Frances: Just walk out!
Louise: Okay, be nice about it!
Greg: Oh my god, she’s Lady Liberty!
Louise: I said be nice!
Greg: You look nice! Like a drag queen from West Hollywood!
Frances: C’mon, RuPaul!
Louise: Stop!
Jimmy: I think the torch is maybe too much, due to it being, you know, on fire.
Louise: It’s a fake flame. I agree it’s very realistic, though.
Frances: Thank god! You are not about to light something on fire in my house!
Jimmy: Oh, someone’s here!
Frances: It’s probably one of the neighbors. Do I look too much like Mrs. Roper in this outfit?
Greg: You look great!
Frances: You’d say that no matter what!
Greg: But it’s true!
Jimmy: It’s a nice outfit.
Louise: Am I going to have to answer the door dressed like this?
Frances: Whoever it is shouldn’t even be here yet, it’s not supposed to start for another fifteen minutes.
Greg: Are you ashamed to be dressed that way? I think it’s whimsical!
Louise: It’s kind of a lot for people to take in just walking into the party for the first time.
Jimmy: I’ll get it.
Jimmy opens the door.
Dana: You’re Jimmy, right? I know we’ve met before, just want to make sure.
Jimmy: Still my name to my knowledge!
Dana: Good to hear!
Frances: Welcome, Dana! So glad you could make it!
Dana: I’m not gonna lie, it’s very nice to just get to hang out with normal people for once. The mega-rich are absolute squares, not to mention total freaks!
Louise: Yeah, they are strange ones.
Dana: Is she dressed -
Frances: As the Statue of Liberty? Yes, that’s how she chooses to celebrate America.
Dana: I’m just wearing one of those mini American flag pins the politicians wear, but her way works too, I guess.
Jimmy: You may have guessed by now, but you’re at the wrong place if you’re looking for “normal.”
Dana: Ah, this is way more normal than those stuck-up losers I work with every day and see at the country club. This is just a family having fun, the way it’s supposed to be. By the way, am I the first one here? Am I early?
Frances: Just a little, it was supposed to start at two. No big deal!
Louise: That’s not what you said earlier!
Frances: Ignore her, she’s pathological.
Louise: Don’t you dare try to make me look bad in front of your rich boss!
Greg: That feels like an odd way to refer to someone.
Louise: Is it inaccurate?
Dana: No, I’m incredibly wealthy.
Louise: See! Told you so!
One hour later…
Marcia: Can we go outside? It’s the Fourth of July, we’re supposed to be outside!
Beverly: You’re free to go wherever you please, you’re an adult. Earl is still lathering up the sunscreen, he burns very easily.
Earl: The doctors say it’s a real medical condition, and I gotta say, I don’t like it much!
Beverly: It’s called “being Irish.”
Earl: I’m Scottish!
Beverly: Close enough!
Marcia: I don’t know anyone outside, they’re all her neighbors.
Frances: Marcia, you’re too old to be acting like this. Go make some new friends, Dana did. Look at her out there living life to the fullest.
Marcia: Is she doing a conga line?
Frances: What better way to celebrate America?
The doorbell rings.
Marcia: Ah, maybe Jane’s finally found her way here!
Frances: Not like she’s ever driven here before or anything.
Frances opens the door.
Jaime: Hello! Aunt Frances, you look great!
Frances: You look… very bold.
Jaime: You like it?
Frances: Not many would have the courage to walk into a party in an American flag bikini, but I admire the self-confidence.
Jaime: Isn’t it cute? I got it at K-Mart!
Marcia: That’s where I go for all of my high-quality fashion.
Jane: Oh no! I just dropped the potato salad!
Marcia: Thank god, I hate potato salad.
Beverly: No one was going to force you to eat it.
Marcia: Even the sight of it makes me gag.
Jaime: I agree! I’ve never gotten the appeal. It just tastes so bland to me.
Louise: I can’t believe someone from the midwest could hate potato salad!
Jaime: Oh my god, Aunt Louise! You look great!
Louise: I’m so glad you agree! You should put some clothes on, it’s terribly cold in here.
Jaime: I’m gonna head out to the pool anyway, it’ll be nice to actually get to use one of these when it’s hot out and not mildly warm.
Jimmy: Michigan gets hot!
Jaime: When?
Jimmy: You got me there.
Jane: Did I miss anything?
Frances: Where’s the potato salad?
Jane: On the walkway.
Frances: You left potato salad on the walkway? In the summer?
Jane: It’ll be fine, it’ll just wash away.
Frances: Greg! I need you to help me out here!
Greg: Coming, dear!
Dana: Frances, help!
Frances: What now?
Dana: I think I twisted my ankle!
Frances: Of course you did.
Louise: It wouldn’t be the Fourth of July without an injury!
Jaime: What better way to celebrate our founding fathers than by getting a battleground wound?
Later that night…
Greg: What are you doing in here?
Frances: On the couch, you mean? I’m relaxing.
Greg: Everyone’s outside, having a great time!
Frances: Great time? We have rotting potato salad out front, Dana injured herself, Jaime lost her bikini top in the skimmer -
Greg: That was unfortunate.
Frances: Then you gave her my favorite shirt, which is white, so it really didn’t help much since she jumped right back in the water with it on.
Greg: She’s free and uninhibited.
Frances: I think that’s great, but it’s my favorite shirt. Anyway, that’s not all. One of the neighbors lost his tooth in the ambrosia salad -
Greg: He did us all a favor, I say.
Frances: Louise smeared green paint all over our outdoor sofa because the didn’t realize sweat makes paint smear, Jimmy fell hand-first onto the grill -
Greg: Even he found that funny.
Frances: And, to top it all off, I’ve spent all day inside getting food and drinks together for everyone. I haven’t been able to socialize, I haven’t been able to relax, I feel like I’m working! I forgot how awful it is to throw a party.
Greg: Can I say something?
Frances: Sure.
Greg: You’re focusing on the negative. Think of the positive. Your closest loved ones, and also many of our neighbors we barely know, all got to spend the day together and make new memories. You did too, even if you’re choosing to remember all the and ones instead right now.
Frances: It’s just a lot, I’m tired!
Greg: There’s nothing more for you to do. It’s only seven o’clock, we’ve all eaten dinner, the only desert we have is all set up and ready to be eaten. You’ve done your part in making the party special, now go and enjoy it with all your friends and family.
Frances: All right, I’ll go.
Greg: I think there’s still plenty of time to turn today around. Everyone else is loving it, even the ones who got hurt or spilled some food or accidentally showed the girls off to their family and aunt’s friends.
Frances: I said I’m going!
Greg: Just wanted to make sure.
Lauren: Oh my god, finally home!
Frances: You’re home early!
Lauren: Didn’t Dana tell you? She called DeAnna up and told her to just pre-film the special so I could come join the party.
DeAnna: And I’m here, too!
Frances: Oh my god!
Lauren: I’m sorry.
DeAnna: I know, I’m really about to outshine you with my coolness.
Frances: Let me get outside right now. Greg, lock DeAnna in the cupboard.
DeAnna: You’re so funny!
Essie: What is SHE doing here?
DeAnna: I didn’t know she was here!
Essie: Why wouldn’t I? Frances and I are friends, unlike the two of you!
Frances: Honestly, I forgot she was here. She’s very quiet.
Frances walks outside.
Louise: Is that Lauren?
Frances: It sure is!
Jimmy: Oh my god, now it’s a family party!
Frances: Well, family and also -
Jimmy: The neighbors are very nice, don’t disparage them.
Frances: I was referring to DeAnna, who has invited herself.
Jimmy: We can just ignore her.
Louise: Look, the fireworks are starting! Lauren, get out here!
Lauren: Can I eat first?
Louise: You’re missing it!
Lauren: I’ve seen fireworks before.
Louise: Not these fireworks!
Lauren: Fine, I’m coming.
Jaime: God, I’ve missed this! This is what family is!
Jane: Is it?
Jaime: Being surrounded by everyone you love, experiencing good times together, screaming at one another, this is as good as it gets.
Frances: This is why the founding fathers declared independence and created America, for moments like these.
Lauren: Well, that and to escape excessive taxation and other oppression from the British. But you’re right, it was mostly for the family bonding reasons, can’t find that in jolly old England.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!
