Frances opens her front door.
Marcia: I’m so sorry we’re late.
Frances: You’re right on time, basically. I haven’t even begun cooking yet, some people have been holding me up.
Marcia: That’s fine, my lug of a husband is still out in the car trying to figure out what’s wrong with the radio.
Louise: Don’t look at me, Frances!
Frances: Who else would I look at? It’s your fault!
Louise: Jimmy has been just as annoying!
Jimmy: I have not been!
Frances: Guys, you’ve both been annoying, no need to fight about it.
Marcia: How have they been distracting you? Can’t you just tune then out? It’s what I do with Howard.
Howard: What do you do with me?
Marcia: Tune you out.
Howard: Oh, yeah. She does it all the time. It’s how we express our love. I drone on non-stop about something she doesn’t care about, and she has the decency to just ignore it instead of yelling at me to shut up.
Frances: I can’t just tune them out, they’re incessant.
Louise: Is it such a crime to ask you how the TV works?
Lauren: I don’t know how you two don’t know how the TV works by now. I mean, you’ve been freeloading, I mean crashing here, for months at this point.
Louise: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me! Not even words from my daughter!
Frances: Anyway, now that you two are here, and these two have figured out how to get Judge Judy on to keep them entertained, I’m going to get to work on dinner.
Marcia: You want me to help out?
Frances: Lord, no. You assisting me in the kitchen reminds me far too much of work, and I’d rather not have to think about that.
Marcia: All right, your choice. I do feel awkward just sitting around like a bum, though.
Frances: Why? Louise and Jimmy are just fine with it!
Marcia: Exactly my point. I know how you talk about them.
Louise: And how is that?
Marcia: Oops.
Frances: Lauren, would you mind assisting me? It’s going to be dinner for four at this point rather than seven, shouldn’t be too complicated.
Louise: So now you’re not feeding us?
Frances: Maybe if I feel like it.
One hour later…
Frances: Finally, dinner!
Jimmy: I’m glad we were able to convince you to feed us, this looks delicious.
Lauren: I did it all by myself.
Frances: Oh did you?
Lauren: No need to be the joke police.
Greg: I’m glad we all finally got together again, it’s been way too long.
Lauren: I know! It feels like forever since we just had a family dinner. Especially with Howard!
Marcia: Well, you know, he’s very busy with the store. He’s barely got any free time, it’s what makes our relationship work.
Howard: Speaking of free time, Greg, I was shocked to see you in the store last week!
Frances: You were in the store?
Greg: Yeah, after work! Stopped in to grab something quickly on the way home.
Howard: After work? You were in around noon. I remember, because I was wondering what you were doing there so early in the day.
Greg: Must’ve been a day I got out early.
Howard: Must’ve been.
Greg: So, how’s everyone else been?
Marcia: This salad is delicious. Almost as good as Olive Garden’s!
Frances: I’m honored to be mentioned in the same breath as such top-quality cuisine.
Marcia: You sound annoyed.
Louise: Don’t knock Olive Garden, Frannie. That place is a godsend.
Frances: You’re right, they do have the mandate of heaven.
Louise: Where else can I get a meal and be treated like family?
Frances: How about right now?
Lauren: Why would you ever want to be treated like family by anyone? Have you seen our family!
Louise: We’re a little messed up, but we’re good people.
Lauren: I didn’t say we aren’t. We’re just, have a uh… unique dynamic.
Jimmy: Who would want it any other way?
Later that night, when Greg walks into the bedroom…
Greg: That sure was fun, wasn’t it?
Frances: What was that about?
Greg: What? Dinner?
Frances: You know what I mean.
Greg: No, I really don’t.
Frances: You were at Greg’s store a few weeks ago in the middle of the day?
Greg: Oh, that! That’s nothing! Like I said, I got out of work early. No biggie!
Frances: I saw your face. You’re not telling me something.
Greg: You saw my face?
Frances: We’ve been married for almost thirty years, I know every little tic, every giveaway. You felt uneasy. You’re hiding something.
Greg: I’m hiding nothing!
Frances: We can do this all night, or you can just tell me and then we can go to bed. Your choice.
Greg: I lost my job. Well, more like I never got it back after I quit.
Frances: What?
Greg: I was too ashamed to admit my boss turned me down when I asked for my job back. I tried everything.
Frances: That was over a year ago! You’ve been hiding this for a year, that is not normal! And what have you been doing with your free time? Clearly you haven’t been home, Tweedledee and Tweedledum would have noticed that, since they’re somehow always here!
Greg: I just go out and go whatever I can to pass the time.
Frances: How about finding another job?
Greg: I don’t get why you’re so upset about me being unemployed, it’s not like we need the money.
Frances: No, we are not doing this.
Greg: What, I can’t speak my peace?
Frances: You don’t get to play the victim here. You lied to me for a year, you kept this secret and didn’t even care what I’d think of it, you have no right to be upset that I’m upset! It’s not about the job, it’s about the lying, the breaking of trust! If you wanted to retire, that’s honestly fine, we don’t need the extra income. It’s just a bit out of character for you. You were always so motivated.
Greg: Okay, you really want to hear why I haven’t gone back?
Frances: I’d. Love to hear this explanation, yes.
Greg: I’ve been going to the casinos. It’s become a real stress reliever for me.
Frances: You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re a gambler? I did not marry Kenny Rogers! Stop it!
Greg: I have it all under control.
Frances: Oh, yeah, sure you do! Is this why you wanted to go with us to Vegas so badly? Wanted to raise the stakes?
Greg: What are you doing?
Frances: I’m collecting my things, I need to get away from this.
Greg: You’re joking! Where are you going?
Frances: Like I’d ever tell you!
Frances throws her clothes into a suitcase and legs it down the stairs.
Louise: Are you going somewhere?
Jimmy: Is it time for vacation and we just forgot?
Frances: Ask Greg.
Jimmy: So are we packing or not?
Frances: See ya later!
Louise: Seems like the answer is “not.”
Later, Frances arrives at Jane’s apartment.
Jaime: Aunt Frances! What are you doing here?
Frances: What are you doing here? Last time I checked, this is Jane’s apartment, not yours.
Jaime: I live here, we’ve gone over this.
Jane: Babe, who is it?
Jaime: My aunt!
Jane: Frances, come on in!
Frances: You guys are too lively for twelve thirty at night.
Jane: Twelve thirty? That’s nothing! It’s basically still the middle of the day!
Frances: Oh, to be young again!
Jane: You’re still young!
Frances: That’s a good one!
Jane: So what’s going on? Clearly something’s wrong for you to be here?
Frances: Can we talk about this tomorrow morning? I just need some rest right now, it’s been a long day.
Jane: Uh, yeah. Sure!
Frances: I’m guessing you only have one bedroom here, so I’ll just sleep on the couch.
Jane: No, you take the bed! We can sleep on the couch!
Jaime: Both of us?
Jane: Yeah, we’ve both fit on there before!
Jaime: Sitting up, yeah.
Frances: Geometry’s never been her thing, Jaime. I’ll take the couch, don’t worry.
Jane: We’re gonna be going out to the club, so hopefully we don’t wake you.
Frances: I’m a heavy sleeper, no need to worry. You two just have your fun, I’m gonna get comfortable. I’ve got a sleep mask, no need to worry about the light.
Jaime: If you need anything, give us a holler. We’ll be here for another half-hour or so.
Frances: I can’t believe you two go out clubbing at one in the morning. I can barely stand up at that time.
Jane: I still don’t know why you’re here, or how long you will be, but if it’s gonna be a while, I bet we can get you to the club one night!
Frances: You can try, but it’s not happening! Goodnight!
The next afternoon…
Frances: Long night?
Jane: Yeah, how about you?
Frances: I’ve had better sleeps. Not your fault, though. By the way, Jaime, you gonna put on some pants?
Jaime: Oh my god! I do have underwear on, correct?
Frances: Yes.
Jaime: Thank god! I was trashed when I got home, I don’t remember what I had on by the time I made it to bed.
Frances: I hope I didn’t wake you with my morning MSNBC. Took me a while to find the volume button, or I’d have turned it down faster.
Jane: Oh, no, we were OUT! Nothing could’ve woken us up.
Frances: That’s good, but also bad. Hopefully you never have a fire here.
Jane: A fire? Why would anyone set a fire?
Frances: Well, they’re usually accidents.
Jane: I’m almost thirty, Frances, I think I’m potty-trained by now.
Frances: Jaime… you sure?
Jaime: She’s great.
Frances: Sure.
Jane: So, I’ve been thinking -
Frances: That’d be a first.
Jane: a lot about it, why did you come here asking to stay?
Frances: Oh, Jane.
Frances starts to cry.
Jaime: Oh, look what you did.
Jane: I just asked a question!
Frances: My marriage is over!
Jane: What?
Jaime: Oh boy. I’m gonna go see if there’s any wine left.
Jane: You can drink wine in the morning?
Jaime: Kathie Lee Gifford does it all the time.
Jane: What happened to your marriage? What’s wrong with Greg?
Frances: He’s a liar! A dirty liar!
Jane: We’ve all been cheated on, I think.
Jaime: I’ve been cheated, been mistreated, when will I be loved?
Jane: I love you!
Jaime: It’s a song, deal. And, let’s not rub it in Frances’s face.
Frances: Love isn’t real!
Jane: That feels extreme.
Frances: Thirty years, Jane! You think you know someone after that long!
Jaime: What actually happened?
Frances: He lost his job a year ago, never told me, and now he’s apparently a gambling addict.
Jaime: Oh, that’s not so bad!
Frances: It’s not?
Jane: I’ve had worse.
Frances: I don’t doubt it, but this feels like a big betrayal. He lied to me for a year!
Jane: I know. I’m in your corner, and I always will be.
Frances: Wow, that’s a terrifying thought.
Meanwhile, at Frances’s house…
Louise: Greg, where the hell is Frances? She ran out in the middle of the night with no explanation whatsoever.
Jimmy: This is not like her at all, I’m very worried about her.
Greg: I messed up, very badly.
Jimmy: What did you do to my baby sister?
Greg: Nothing as horrible as what I’m sure you’re thinking.
Jimmy: What did you do, exactly?
Greg: I betrayed her trust and kept some things hidden from her that I absolutely should not have.
Jimmy: I don’t know what this is about, but I hope you straighten it out. However, until I know the details, I have to take her side.
Louise: That’s right. We’re not talking to you!
Greg: You’re… what?
Jimmy: You clearly messed up bad for her to leave in a huff so late, until you patch it up with her, you get the silent treatment from us, too.
Greg: Okay, let me explain!
Jimmy: Oop! Zip it!
Greg: You didn’t say I had to be silent, too!
Jimmy: It’ll one too tempting for us to say something if you don’t. Hope you can respect that!
Louise: Besides, whether you did something horrible or not, it sent Frances out of here, and now I’ve got nothing good to eat for breakfast, so I’m pissed at you either way!
Two days later, at work…
DeAnna: Frances! You look -
Frances: Absolutely not.
DeAnna: What’s wrong?
Frances: I don’t have the energy for you and your bullshit right now, leave me alone.
DeAnna: Wow, you’re angrier than usual.
Lauren: DeAnna, she’s going through a lot. Leave her be.
Frances: Lauren, I don’t know what’s going on at home, but just -
Lauren: Take your time. I love you.
Frances: Thank you, Lauren. I love you, too.
DeAnna: What the hell is going on?
Lauren: It’s none of your business.
DeAnna: Everything is my business!
Frances walks onto the set…
Beverly: Oh, Frannie! Jane told me everything! I’m so sorry.
Frances: I don’t need a big -
Beverly: Bring it in!
Marcia: I am so upset with my brother! I don’t even know what to say!
Frances: Marcia, I don’t want to put you in an awkward position. I won’t ask you to take sides.
Marcia: Are you kidding? After what he did? How could I be on any side but yours?
Frances: I’m so glad you feel that way. He really is an idiot.
Marcia: He absolutely is! What a liar!
Beverly: I never expected this from Greg! He always seemed so normal, so respectful. To lie for so long and then get into this gambling business, I just don’t understand!
Frances: I don’t know what I’m going to do, girls. I still need time to cool down, that’s for sure. After that, though, I don’t know. I don’t know how to forgive that betrayal of trust. I can get by the gambling or whatever, and I can’t blame him for losing his job, but this was a calculated attempt at pulling the wool over my eyes, at keeping me in the dark.
Beverly: It’s still fresh in your mind, you don’t have to decide anything yet. Let yourself feel whatever you need to at this point.
Frances: That brings me to something else.
Beverly: What would that be?
Dana: Hey, gang! Just checking to see if everything’s all right?
Jane: Did Jane tell you, too?
Beverly: Oh, Dana! I forgot about the meeting today! Had a lot on my mind.
Dana: That’s fine, I figured it was something like that. But, Frances, what would Jane tell me?
Frances: Oh, nothing!
Dana: You sure?
Frances: No!
Frances starts crying again.
Marcia: Oh boy.
Dana: Is she okay?
Marcia: Marital issues.
Dana: Oh, I get it! I know the ups and downs as well as anyone.
Marcia: Did your husband also lie to you about his employment status for a year while taking up a gambling addiction?
Dana: Oh, wow, that’s terrible!
Frances: I’m sorry to burden you with this. We’re gonna get to work really soon.
Dana: It’s no burden, and didn’t worry about little work delays. I’m here if you ever need to talk.
Frances: That’s really nice of you.
Dana: I’ll give you your space now, you don’t need to be crowded right now.
Beverly: So, uh, what was it that you needed to ask?
Frances: Could I stay at your place tonight? I obviously am not going home, but I can’t spend any more time at Jane’s place. I’m a heavy sleeper, but let me tell you, those to are loud! I don’t need to be hearing that! Not to mention, that couch is ridiculously uncomfortable.
Marcia: They’re doing that while you’re right outside the room? Some people have no tact.
Frances: It’s horrible.
Beverly: Of course you can stay with me. I have a guest room. Well, it was my daughter’s room, so it’s a bit childish, but it’s got a bed and clean sheets and plenty of room for your overnight bag, so it’ll do, I’d say.
Frances: You are a life saver!
Marcia: You could’ve stayed with me, too! It would’ve been no trouble.
Frances: I can’t put you in that position. Supporting me emotionally is one thing, putting me up for days is another. It is your brother, after all.
Marcia: Well, if Beverly gets sick of you, you know where to call.
Later that night, Beverly’s home phone rings and Earl answers.
Earl: Hello?
Greg: Earl, is that you?
Earl: I know this isn’t who I think it is.
Greg: Don’t hang up!
Earl: I’m not going to hang up, trust me.
Greg: I just want to speak to Frances, I have to explain myself.
Earl: There’s nothing to explain. What you did, you betrayed her, you destroyed years of trust, you did the lowest of the low, all to protect your own pride and, apparently, give yourself time to hit up the casinos.
Greg: I deserve that.
Earl: You bet your ass you do. How DARE you do this to your wife? She’s so local, so kind, always on your side, and you do this? Why would you risk your marriage for something so stupid?
Greg: There’s no excuse. I just want to talk to her?
Earl: And tell her what?
Greg: I don’t see how that’s your business. This is a personal matter.
Earl: And I don’t see how you think you get to call any of the shots here after what you did!
Greg: Just let me speak to my wife.
Earl: Call her yourself if you want to speak to her so badly.
Greg: She’s ignoring my calls.
Earl: Gee, I wonder why.
Greg: So this is going nowhere?
Earl: I’m just protecting my friend. She’s been hurt enough, she doesn’t need you to make anything worse.
Greg: Can you just ask her if she’ll talk to me?
Earl: You know what? I’m not a manipulative, controlling asshole, so yes, I will ask her, because I respect her enough to let her make her own decisions.
Earl steps away from the phone and walks into the living room, where Frances and Beverly are sitting.
Beverly: Something’s wrong. I know that look.
Frances: See! We do know looks! Greg acted like I was crazy when I said it.
Beverly: Ugh, Greg.
Earl: Well, Greg is the thing that’s wrong.
Beverly: We’ve known that for some time.
Earl: He’s on the phone. He wants to talk.
Beverly: How’d he even know to call here?
Frances: I’d guess it was one particular well-meaning bozo whose name starts with a J.
Beverly: Ah, Jane.
Earl: Should I tell him you’re not interested in speaking?
Frances: You know what? I think I’d like to give him a piece of my mind.
Earl: You do? I yelled at him plenty, in case you were worried about that.
Frances: I need to do this.
Frances walks in and grabs the phone.
Frances: What?
Greg: Frances!
Frances: Don’t sound so excited.
Greg: I’m so so-
Frances: Spare me. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I do know one thing, at this instant, I am furious. Pissed. Peeved. Angered beyond all belief. I feel I have that right.
Greg: You do.
Frances: I’m not finished! You lied to me, you went to great lengths to hide the truth from me, put on a whole show to bamboozle me, to make me feel dumb. That hurts. That’s hard to forgive. Maybe in time, but not now. So, if you’re calling me home, that’s not happening. If you’re trying to excuse what you did, spare me. If you’re asking if I’ll ever get over it, I don’t know. I need time, and I need space. If you respect me, you’ll give that to me. Goodbye.
What did you think of the season finale of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season premiere of Bake Your Heart Out next week! Frances in the Kitchen will return for its sixth and final season next spring!
