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Gretchen is at dinner with her family.
Gretchen: I’m so glad to get out with you guys, it feels like it’s been forever.
Christina: It’s been a week.
Gretchen: Only a week?
Anthony: It’s been long week, work’s been stressing you out.
Gretchen: Don’t talk about work!
Anthony: Sorry, sorry.
Gretchen: Enough about me, let’s focus on figuring out what we’re going to order. I’m starving!
Lucinda: It’s a seafood restaurant, how hard is it to pick between lobster and shrimp?
Christina: There’s also salmon and crab and scallops and a bunch of other fish. It’s not nearly as simple as you’d think.
Anthony: Clams, too!
Christina: I’ve never been big on clams.
Lucinda gaps.
Christina: Was that sacrilege?
Gretchen: No, sacrilege would be saying you don’t like calamari.
Christina: I’m not a huge fan of that, either.
Gretchen: What went wrong here?
Christina: I apologize!
Anthony: You don’t have to apologize for not liking a certain food.
Lucinda: It would be a start on the road to forgiveness.
Toby: I don’t like lobster.
Anthony: Get your head out of your ass!
Toby: I thought this was a safe space!
Lucinda: What gave you that idea?
One hour later…
Anthony: Well, once we stopped yelling at each other, that was a pretty good meal.
Gretchen: Do you smell something burning?
Anthony: Probably just the stove, we’re walking right near the kitchen fan.
Gretchen: No, this is a fire smell.
Lucinda: I smell it too, and I can’t smell anything ever!
Toby: Oh my god, it’s getting worse!
Christina: It looks hazy out here, too.
Lucinda: Still think it’s just the kitchen?
Anthony: It could be.
Gretchen: There’s gotta be a fire somewhere close.
Lucinda: It smells like it’s on top of us.
Anthony: Smoke does tend to travel through the air.
Gretchen: Yeah, and we should try to avoid it. Let’s get in the car and get away from whatever’s causing it.
Christina: Shouldn’t we call the fire department?
Gretchen: We don’t know the source of it, that wouldn’t be of any actual help.
Christian: So do we just leave this as someone else’s problem?
Gretchen: Yes, now get in the car.
Lucinda: And she wonders why people question her governing skills.
Anthony: Let’s leave her out of the car. She can inhale the smoke.
Lucinda: Your vitriol only makes me stronger.
Anthony: Vitriol? Don’t be overdramatic.
Gretchen: Get in the damn car before the smoke kills you like the dad on This Is Us!
Lucinda: Overdramatic like that?
Anthony: Guess who she learned it from.
Lucinda: Easy. Her father.
Later, at home…
Gretchen: It still smells like smoke! Where is it coming from?
Lucinda: Smoke travels.
Christina: And this smoked traveled all the way from Canada!
Lucinda: What?
Christina: I’m just reading what my phone says. I saw it in the news app.
Lucinda: How can we be smelling smoke from Canada?
Christina: Wildfires.
Anthony: Oh, I’ve heard of this happening before! I think it was out west, they could smell and see smoke thousands of miles away from where they started.
Gretchen: I’ve never seen anything like this.
Christina: Well the good news is that the article says it’s gonna become a much more common phenomenon!
Gretchen: In what way is that good news?
Christina: It’s kinda pretty, isn’t it?
Gretchen: Pretty? It’s smoke! Burning, cancer-causing, lung-destroying smoke!
Christina: Yeah, but it looks like we live in the Smoky Mountains or something. I feel like Dolly Parton.
Lucinda: If only you sang like her.
Christina: What’s that suppose to mean?
Toby: We all know what it means?
Christina: Oh, look at Pat LuPone over here judging my singing voice.
Toby: Joke’s on you, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever called me!
Gretchen: Anthony, why is the door open?
Anthony: I was taking pictures!
Gretchen: Do you really want to let the smoke into our house?
Anthony: It’s not like the Smoke Monster on LOST, it’s not gonna seep into our house and kill us all.
Gretchen: It’s still not something we want to breathe in.
Anthony: Just let me get one more picture, that’s all.
Gretchen: Of what, smog?
Anthony: The sky is a beautiful auburn color, it should be captured on camera.
Lucinda: He’s a strange one.
Christina: I think it looks nice, too. I’d prefer to be able to breathe inside our house, though.
The next day, at work…
Gretchen: Carol, where were you? I never beat you to work!
Carol: I had to stop to get a refill on my inhaler. This smoke is absolutely killer.
Gretchen: Isn’t it? I noticed it at dinner last night, I thought a building was burning down.
Carol: Nope, just the Canadians being drama queens. Damn them!
Susana: I don’t think they chose to send smoke our way, nor did they chose to have wildfires that burn non-stop.
Carol: You’re right, I’m just upset about the sky being on fire and it triggering my asthma.
Susana: It’s bad out there.
Gretchen: Christina told me this morning that Providence has the worst air quality in the United States today
Carol: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Gretchen: I think we need to do something about it.
Carol: You want to buy a big fan and blow the smoke into Connecticut?
Gretchen: No, this isn’t Phineas and Ferb, we can’t do that.
Carol: Well, Connecticut would deserve it.
Gretchen: We’re not doing that!
Sarita: Besides, more smoke would just blow right back in from Canada anyway until those fires stop.
Gretchen: Yeah, that’s the only problem with that plan.
Sarita: Obviously a giant fan isn’t a realistic option, but it did exist, it would be a good temporary fix.
Gretchen: You know what? I’m gonna go sign an executive order and have it built right now. By the time they build it all the way up into the atmosphere, the smoke will only have been over for three, four months at the most!
Carol: You seem grumpy today. You’re just lucky you don’t have asthma!
Gretchen: I’m sorry for being grouchy, my idiot mother just opened the hallway window in my house this morning because it was “stuffy” inside, so I woke up thinking my house was on fire.
Susana: She didn’t know about the smoke?
Gretchen: It was the middle of the night, I don’t think she was thinking clearly.
Susana: She didn’t smell the smoke? I opened the door this morning and it felt like the smoke slapped me in the face.
Gretchen: She’s old, old people do weird things. Anyway, about my solution to the smoke problem.
Susana: Is there a solution? It doesn’t feel like something we can do much about.
Gretchen: I can’t just ignore it, they’ll probably impeach me if I do.
Carol: They’re impeaching you no matter what you do.
Gretchen: That’s true.
Carol: So what’s your plan?
Gretchen: I’m going to declare a state of emergency.
Carol: Is it really an emergency, though?
Gretchen: We can’t go outside without breathing in toxic smoke, so I’d say so.
Carol: A state of emergency is mostly about being able to expedite resources to help those impacted by disaster.
Gretchen: I’m aware of what it does, this isn’t my first time signing one.
Carol: What resources do people need freed up here? It’s smoke.
Gretchen: First of all, we can use it to order increased temporarily shelter for the homeless, so they don’t have to be outdoors breathing it all in. I’m also going to issue an advisory order for everyone to avoid leaving their homes for non-essential reasons.
Carol: Does that include work? You can’t just order workplaces to shut down.
Gretchen: I will explicitly leave it up to the discretion of the workplaces, but all state employees will be dismissed until this is cleared up.
Carol: You’ve thought of everything!
Gretchen: When you wake up with a lung full of smoke, it inspires you to take action.
Three hours later…
Carol: Okay, whenever you’re ready.
Susana: The cameras are ready to roll.
Gretchen: All right, count me down.
Susana: Three… two… one…
Gretchen: My fellow Rhode Islanders, as I’m certain you are aware, wildfire smoke from Canada has left the skies above our state full of smoke. Our state currently has the worst air quality in the United States, and the world. While it may seem like a minor inconvenience, one that simply reduces visibility and makes driving a bit more of a hassle, this smoke can serious impacts on your health, causing lung problems that could have long-term impacts. Due to this, I am issuing a state of emergency, and urging Rhode Islanders to reconsider all non-essential travel. Please, for your own health and safety, remain at home. If you need to go outside, please wear an N95 mask to protect yourself. I am also asking all non-essential businesses to consider closing until air quality has significantly improved. All state employees are being dismissed with full pay until the air is safe to breathe again. For more information on resources available to you during this time, as well as restrictions being put in place, visit the official Rhode Island website.
Later that day…
Lucinda: Now you’ve stepped in it.
Gretchen: What’d I do?
Christina: People aren’t happy about the smoke.
Gretchen: Yeah, neither am I, but I don’t really think I deserve the blame for it.
Lucinda: People are calling you a tyrant.
Gretchen: Wow, I never hears anyone say that about me!
Christina: This time, there’s protests! People are big-time mad about your state of emergency.
Gretchen: That barely even means anything!
Christina: People are getting sent home from their jobs because of the order, and they’re not happy. Most people don’t see much of a point in it.
Lucinda: Can’t say I see a point in it myself, it’s just a bit of smoke.
Gretchen: It’s a matter of public safety!
Christina: A loud portion of people, amplified by the conservative media, do not agree with that assessment.
Gretchen: I held that press conference three hours ago, how much outage could there possibly be in such a short time?
Christina: You’d be surprised.
Anthony: What’s this about outrage?
Christina: Oh, everyone hates mom again.
Anthony: I feel like we go through this once a week.
Christina: I know, it’s getting exhausting!
Gretchen: Imagine being me!
Lucinda: I must say, you stopping at that store and not wearing a mask sure didn’t help your case. Everyone’s calling you a hypocrite.
Gretchen: That happened a half-hour ago! How did you see that?
Lucinda: Fox News.
Gretchen: Why were you watching Fox News?
Lucinda: They’re the only ones covering this! Well, them and a few stations where I feel like I’d get put on some sort of list if I watched them.
Gretchen: The only reason I didn’t have a mask on when I was walking into the store was because I was going to the store to buy a mask! They didn’t have any left, by the way! That’s what being a good governor who puts her constituents gets me!
Lucinda: Just explain that to the angry mob, I’m sure that’ll ease things right up.
Gretchen: I genuinely do not understand how anyone can be angry about me trying to protect them from lung-damaging smoke!
Christina: Have you seen the world around us?
Gretchen: That’s a fair point. I forgot that we entered the threshold of hell.
Anthony: So what are you going to do to get everyone to lighten up?
Gretchen: The smoke should clear in a few days, and then everyone will forget about this as if it never happened.
The next morning, Lucinda slams a newspaper down in front of Gretchen’s face at breakfast.
Lucinda: How’s that “everyone will forget about this” idea working out for you?
Gretchen: You know, you could’ve just handed that to me instead of setting it in my oatmeal. What does it even say?
Lucinda: “IMPEACHMENT.”
Gretchen: Ah, good, they’re finally getting Delphy again like they promised. Just in time for the November elections, too. That’s gonna play well in Louisiana and West Virginia.
Lucinda: Not the President.
Gretchen: I know not the President!
Lucinda: Then why are you playing dumb?
Gretchen: First off, I appreciate you saying “playing dumb” instead of outright calling me dumb. Second, I do need a bit of time to process the fact that, once again, they’re bringing up impeachment charges against me.
Lucinda: I don’t see why, this should be second nature to you at this point.
Gretchen: Thank you for the kind words of encouragement, my darling mother.
Later that day, when Gretchen arrives at her office…
Gretchen: What the hell is going on out there?
Carol: They’ve been here all morning.
Gretchen: Are they really breathing in smoke to own the libs?
Carol: That appears to be the case.
Gretchen: What a bunch of idiots.
Susana: So, impeachment.
Samantha: Governor! Can we talk?
Gretchen: Why yes, Lieutenant Governor Joan Rivers, we can. I have a feeling you’re here to discuss the same thing I wanted to discuss.
Samantha: Your impending impeachment?
Gretchen: Must you say it like that?
Samantha: What other way is there to say it?
Gretchen: I guess you’re happy to hear today’s news. You’ll get to be governor once this goes through.
Samantha: It’s not going through, especially if you lift the restrictions. This is just a Hank vendetta, and a small few are going along with it because they’re afraid of the protesters.
Gretchen: Where does Jeanne stand on this?
Samantha: She thinks you’re both overstepping.
Gretchen: Everything I’m doing is well within my rights as governor.
Samantha: I don’t necessarily disagree, but it’s very unpopular.
Gretchen: Is it? Or do we just have a loud contingent of people acting like big babies about it?
Samantha: You’re our governor, you have every right to keep your orders in place, but I really think things will turn out better for you if you scrap them. Members of the legislature are really put off by these protests.
Gretchen: I’m still amazed by how much you seem to know about all of these people.
Samantha: I’m the lieutenant governor, I have literally nothing else to do besides getting to know these freaks on the hill. Anyway, I’ll let you guys discuss your plans and head to my office. I’ve got a busy day or doing nothing ahead of me.
Carol: Well, it was good to see you, I guess. See ya.
Samantha leaves.
Carol: So, what the hell are we gonna do?
Gretchen: Nothing. Much like Tom Petty, I won’t back down.
Susana: She’s saying it could stop an impeachment right away, though.
Gretchen: What use is a leader if they’re going to stop leading the second that their position gets challenged? I’m doing the right thing and I won’t be intimidated into changing it.
Carol: You want to get impeached over smoke that’ll be gone in a few days?
Gretchen: It’s about protecting the people. What aspect of my job is more important than that?
Carol: The part where you keep it?
Gretchen: If they’re gonna throw me out for simply suggesting people should stay home while the air is toxic, they’d find some other reason to can me.
The next day…
Gretchen: Thank you for meeting with me.
Jeanne: No need to thank me, I’m just doing my job. This state needs a big of peace.
Gretchen: I agree. I think Hank is -
Jeanne: He’s an idiot.
Gretchen: Wow, I’m shocked to hear you of all people say that!
Jeanne: I usually take the view opposite of you, because I find you irritating, but all of your actions were clearly constitutional and now he’s trying to use right-wing panic as an excuse to exact revenge on you. It’s unprofessional and ridiculous. Don’t back down, don’t even respond to any of this nonsense. Just ignore it. I’m not letting you get impeached.
Gretchen: Thank you! I’ll keep my head up.
Jeanne: Don't tell him I gave you advice. I'm still scared of his wrath, even if he is a moron.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
