Fred walks into the study at St. James’s Palace.
Fred: Livie, are you ever coming to bed? It’s late, you have engagements tomorrow.
Olivia: I’m writing!
Fred: You’ve been writing for hours, I think you can stop for the night.
Olivia: It’s just flowing out of me right now, it’s so hard to stop. I’ve written almost six pages!
Fred: That’s a lot, I think. Good place to stop.
Olivia: l just don’t want to forget anything important, it’s happened before to me when I was writing.
Fred: How much have you written so far? It doesn’t feel like you’ve been doing this for that long.
Olivia: About sixty pages.
Fred: Wow! You’re flying through this.
Olivia: I’ve waited seventy years to get this nonsense off my chest!
Fred: It can wait another night. You need rest.
Olivia: Fine, fine! Off to bed I go.
Fred: You have an early morning, you and the prime minister are -
Olivia: Don’t remind me.
Fred: She’s not that bad!
Olivia: Oh, she’s that bad.
Fred: Yeah, she is. Still, you’re visiting sick children together, you’ll quickly be reminded that your situation could be much worse.
Olivia: That is a very fair point. I do wish, however, that Claude had paired me up with, well, nearly anyone else. The woman’s a nitwit!
Fred: You can get through it, I know you.
Olivia: I’d rather be writing than galavanting with her, but I suppose it would be hard to do that without telling my family I’m writing a book, and I’d rather not do that.
Fred: How long are you going to keep that a secret?
Olivia: I don’t know. Until it’s in Elsa’s hands, perhaps?
Fred: You really think you can hide it from them for that long?
Olivia: I don’t see why not!
Fred: At the very least, it’s going to be fun to watch you try.
The next day…
Meredith: You know, that little brat didn’t have to correct my spelling so publicly.
Olivia: I don’t think he was trying to be rude.
Meredith: Well, he was.
Olivia: You’ll get over it.
Meredith: How many more kids do we have yet? It’s getting late.
Olivia: I know that was a blow to your ego, but we’re not going to wrap up our visit early because someone told you you spelled “literate” wrong.
Meredith: I’m not trying to leave early, I was only asking a question!
Olivia: Believe me, Madam Prime Minister, we’d both like to go home instead of being stuck here.
Meredith: I hope the next kid is a little bit dumber than the last know-it-all. Or at least doesn’t try to humiliate me like that last one.
Olivia: The notes the hospital gave us say that the next child on the list named Julia, she’s twelve, loves flowers and penguins, and she has stage two lymphoma. So, let’s bring her these flowers, talk to her about penguins, and not make mention of the lymphoma.
Meredith: What’s a penguin again?
Olivia: Are you ki-
Meredith: See, I knew you’d think I was dense enough to not know! I was just pulling your leg!
Olivia: Yeah, you really got me there. How could I ever think that?
Later that day…
Meredith: Well, that was a nice day.
Olivia: Was it?
Meredith: We did a good thing, cheered up some children.
Olivia: Got in a feud with one of them…
Meredith: That was hardly a feud. We got into a small argument about government, but I don’t blame him, it’s clear that his parents are Labourites.
Olivia: For the sake of tradition, I’ll do what I did in that hospital room and stay out of this conversation.
Meredith: Um, Your Majesty?
Olivia: Your Royal Highness.
Meredith: No, I’m not royalty, I’m just Meredith.
Olivia: “Your Majesty” is what you call my brother, you call me “Your Royal Highness.”
Meredith: Well, Your Royal Highness, I believe someone’s broken into your car.
Olivia: My car? Oh, bollocks!
Meredith: Should I not have told you? I didn’t mean to upset you.
Olivia: Huh? You’re not the one who broke in, I’m not going to be upset with you for pointing it out!
Meredith: Shall I phone the police?
Olivia: You’re the prime minister, you’d think some of your security detail would have noticed this happening! They’re as useless as - nope, don’t say it Olivia.
Meredith: As useless as what?
Olivia: My briefcase!
Meredith: You had a useless briefcase?
Olivia: My briefcase has been stolen!
Meredith: Who would steal a briefcase?
Olivia: Who would break into a car in the middle of daylight?
Meredith: Crime is out of control in this country, someone needs to do something about this!
Olivia: If only we knew someone in a position of power.
One hour later…
Claude: Olivia, what’s going on? What brings you here?
Olivia: Am I not allowed to visit my family?
Claude: You don’t usually stop by unannounced, is all.
Olivia: Well, Fred’s not going to be home until later and I didn’t want to be alone.
Eleanor: What happened, dearie?
Christine: You look pale and flushed out. Is something wrong or are you just going for a renaissance look?
Olivia: I’ve had a rough day.
Claire: Of course you did, you spent it with the Prime Minister.
Olivia: If you’d believe it, that wasn’t even nearly the worst part of my day!
Claire: I don’t believe it.
Olivia: My car was broken into. They took my money, and a few other little things in there that I guess they thought were worth something, but they also stole my briefcase.
Claude: How much money was in there?
Olivia: Oh, just a few notes, enough in case I wanted to stop for groceries on my way home.
Claude: I hardly think a few banknotes and a briefcase are worth being this upset over.
Arthur: Don’t be so insensitive! Knowing someone broke into your personal space is very violating, especially for someone in this family! We’re usually given the utmost privacy, so this is a new feeling for her, I’m sure.
Olivia: That’s part of it, the main bother for me is that I had personal information in that briefcase. It’s not something I want anyone to get their hands on.
Claude: What was in there, your banking information?
Christine: I had my baking information stolen from me several decades ago, before I got roped into this circus. The thief stole thousands from me, thankfully the police were able to catch them and I got it all back. Hopefully the same happens for you!
Olivia: It’s not my banking information. It’s more, uh… deeds and my will and all that. Stuff I’d prefer to not have anyone else reading.
Claude: Are you afraid it’ll leak and Todd will find out you’re leaving Gigi more than him?
Olivia: Why would you think that?
Claude: It’s pretty obvious, the first born always gets more than the other children.
Olivia: Mum, is this true?
Eleanor: I did leave him the crown, so yes, I would say so.
Olivia: I left my children equal inheritances, but I still don’t need the world to get ahold of my will, or anything else in that briefcase.
Claude: What sort of dirt do you have in that briefcase for you to be this upset about it?
Olivia: Nothing!
Claude: Quite defensive!
Claire: What do you think, she’s keeping notes on all of us?
Claude: I didn’t say that.
Claire: You’re interrogating her.
Claude: I am simply trying to get to the bottom of why she’s so upset about a briefcase being stolen. What was in it?
Claire: She explained that.
Olivia: Thank you, Claire. I appreciate you sticking up for me. Now, I think I ought to go, to somewhere that I’m not going to get attacked for being upset that my personal property was stolen.
Claude: You don’t have to go!
Eleanor: Nice going, Claude!
Claude: It’s not my fault!
Eleanor: Yes it is!
Arthur: You were very accusatory, I understand her being upset.
Olivia: I will see you all later, I’m heading home to be with my thoughts.
Olivia returns home and calls Elsa.
Elsa: Olivia, you’re finally figuring out the right time to call me! What’s up today?
Olivia: Oh, Elsa! I’ve messed up!
Elsa: Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.
Olivia: So, you’re aware of my aversion to computers and how I insisted on using a typewriter, correct?
Elsa: Yes, it’s been a bit of a challenge figuring out how I’m going to get the book in a timely manner an entire ocean and continent away.
Olivia: Elsa, don’t be mad.
Elsa: I’m not going to be mad!
Olivia: I wanted to send you the first three chapters, so I was going to take them to a photocopier and then mail them to you. I put them in a briefcase to keep them safe while I visited a hospital with the prime minister today, and someone broke into my car and stole the briefcase.
Elsa: Oh dear.
Olivia: Are you mad?
Elsa: No, but we’re getting you a computer.
Olivia: That’s fair.
Elsa: How many pages were lost?
Olivia: About sixty-five. I think I’d just gotten up to my teen years.
Elsa: Will you be able to remember all that?
Olivia: I lived it, and I remembered it once, I suppose I can do it again.
Elsa: In that case, don’t sweat it. I don’t know why this person stole your briefcase, but I doubt they’ll be able to do much of anything with these pages. They probably won’t even know what to make of them.
Olivia: You think so?
Elsa: I doubt this person knew it was your car. They’ll probably just think it’s someone’s journal or something and dispose of it. I doubt they’ll even read any of it. This impacts nothing.
Olivia: I sure hope you’re right.
Elsa: Even if they do read it and know who it belongs to, what’s the worst that can happen? The book is spoiled for one person? They broke into your car, it’s not like they can tell anyone else, the risk is too much for whatever they’d gain from that. So rest easy, you can write it all over again, this is just a short setback.
Olivia: Thank you, Elsa, you have really eased my concerns.
Elsa: No problem! I’m here to be your advocate and someone you can bounce all your ideas off of and feel support from, any time of day. You are my highest priority, I want this process to be a pleasant one for you.
Olivia: I’ll talk to you later, okay?
Elsa: Sounds good, bye!
The next morning…
Fred: Livie, it’s for you.
Olivia: Who is it?
Fred: Midge.
Olivia: Oh, god. Tell her I’m dead.
Fred: She can hear you.
Olivia: You know what? It could be worse, it could be Trayman.
Fred: That’s the spirit. Now take the phone.
Olivia: Midge, you there?
Midge: Olivia, code red!
Olivia: Good morning to you as well!
Midge: Your book leaked. I don’t know how, but The Daily Mail has it!
Olivia: Excuse me?
Midge: Front page this morning, “The Princess’ Diaries - Princess Royal spills all in juicy memoirs.”
Olivia: Juicy? All I’ve written about so far is my childhood!
Midge: It doesn’t matter, it’s out there. They’ve promised to release “all sixty scandalous pages” that they have in their possession.
Olivia: How did they get this?
Midge: It says they acquired it from an anonymous source!
Olivia: An anonymous thief is more like it.
Midge: You think Elsa leaked it t-
Olivia: The British public is reading it before she ever got the chance to, I wrote it all on a typewriter and it was stolen from my car before I got the chance to send it to her.
Midge: Well, at least it’s been found again, so you don’t have to worry about writing it all over again!
Olivia: That’s not a comfort!
Midge: I’m looking for a silver lining here!
Olivia: What’s been printed so far? What “scandalous” bits are in there?
Midge: I’ve not read it all, but all I’ve seen so far is something about your mother preferring Claude to you.
Olivia: That’s it?
Midge: Well, presumably you were always planning for this to be released, anyway. I don’t think you’d talk any actual smack in your published memoir.
Olivia: That’s true, but they made it sound so serious. This is far from Mommie Dearest.
Midge: It’s a gossip rag, they sensationalize. I’ll call up Elsa later today once it’s morning over there and let her know about this. Not much more we can do.
Olivia: We can threaten legal action, report it to the police.
Midge: I’ll inform the police that they’re releasing stolen work if that makes you feel better. I’m sure Elsa will threaten a lawsuit, so that aspect should be covered as well.
Olivia: All right, good plan. I’ll speak to you later.
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: Olivia…
Olivia: What now?
Fred: Gigi is here.
Olivia: Oh, I thought something serious was wrong!
Gigi: I read the Daily Mail today!
Olivia: Why would you ever do that?
Gigi: I don’t usually, but it was delivered by accident and I happened to see your face on it. I guess then family knows about the memoir now!
Olivia: Actually, I’m not sure.
Gigi: You think anything happens in this country without their knowledge?
Olivia: Fair point, but it’s odd I haven’t heard from them yet. They’ve never hesitated to call me in the past to yell at me.
Gigi: Maybe they’re still thinking of how to handle it?
Olivia: Oh, lord, you’re right. They haven’t called because they’re going to actually punish me for this one.
Gigi: You don’t know that.
Olivia: I’m going to get all of the terrible assignments. Hell, Claude may make me have an audience with Trayman every week to free up his schedule.
Gigi: He wouldn’t do something that awful.
Olivia: I’d hope not. I’m going to head over there and confront them about it, though. Maybe I’ll catch them off guard.
Fred: You’re still in your pyjamas!
Olivia: I can throw something on quickly, I’m just going to see my family, not anyone important.
Gigi: Mum, our family is the British Royal Family.
Olivia: They’re not nearly as special as they think they are. I’m far more concerned with looking good in the presence of all those BAFTA attendees. Benedict Cumberbatch, that’s a man.
Fred: Excuse me?
Olivia: You’re always my number one!
Gigi: Good save.
Later, at Buckingham Palace…
Mandy: You Majesty, someone is here. Don’t remember her name.
Claude: Thank you, Mandy.
Mandy: Any time, Clive.
Christine: We need to discuss permanent care for her.
Claude: I think she’s fine.
Olivia: She’s known me seventy years and she forgot my name, I don’t think she’s fine.
Claude: Ah, our memoirist! Mother, she’s here!
Olivia: So you’ve seen the news!
Claude: All of Great Britain has seen the news.
Olivia: Not Northern Ireland?
Claire: No, they’re wise enough to not read the Daily Mail.
Olivia: I can explain.
Claude: Explain what?
Christine: I’m curious to see where this goes.
Olivia: I was planning to tell you all very soon that I was working on this, I just didn’t want anyone to stop me from writing it.
Eleanor: Why would we stop you from writing it? You have a right to tell your story.
Olivia: No one in this family has ever written a memoir.
Eleanor: No one’s ever tried.
Olivia: No one?
Arthur: Well, Nathan tried.
Olivia: Nathan? What does he have to write about?
Arthur: That’s why he only ever tried. He had little of interest to say.
Eleanor: And you have a lot.
Olivia: I do, but I won’t write anything defamatory, I promise you that.
Claude: Olivia, you seem to have come here expecting an argument about this, or a punishment. That’s not happening. All you’ve written thus far is the truth, nothing “scandalous” as the Daily Fail claims.
Eleanor: I will push back on the claim that Claude is my favorite.
Claude: Exactly. Ethan is the favorite.
Eleanor: By a long shot.
Olivia: Wow! All I said was it sometimes felt like Claude was the favorite. Good to know it was even worse than I feared!
Eleanor: I still love you all, he just causes me the least amount of headaches.
Claude: Even I can’t argue with that.
Olivia: So you all really have no issue with my book?
Eleanor: Obviously, you have to run it by us and give us final approval.
Olivia: Excuse me?
Eleanor: We can’t let you release anything that might ruin our reputation!
Olivia: What happened to me being allowed to tell my truth? I already said I won’t defame you, I’ll only speak the truth.
Eleanor: Some of the truth is ugly.
Olivia: That’s what sells books. I will decide what of my story will be told.
Eleanor: Very well then.
Olivia: That’s it? You’re giving in?
Eleanor: I can’t stop you from doing anything. We’re not Scientology.
Claude: Feel free to speak your truth, just try not to let the media get ahold of the rest of the book first.
Olivia: I’ve solved that problem already. I bought a computer to type it up on!
Claude: That should be interesting!
Olivia: Todd’s coming over tonight to show me how to use it. Pretty exciting!
Eleanor: Welcome to the twenty-first century.
Olivia: Wow, I just got dunked on by a ninety year-old.
Eleanor: At least I can use a Mac!
Olivia: I think I’m going to head home and brainstorm book ideas. It does feel good to not hide it from you all anymore.
Claude: Thinking of all the stories you could tell to defame us?
Olivia: You know it!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
