The Royal Family is at Balmoral on vacation.
Olivia: Claude, when is the Prime Minister arriving?
Claude: God, I forgot about her.
Christine: I wish I could forget about her!
Eleanor: You’re being very unfair. She’s a… nope, can’t say it. She’s a dingbat.
Claude: Did you see today’s headline?
Olivia: I’m on holiday, I’m avoiding any and all news about the world around us until this trip’s done.
Claude: She tripped over the foot of the US president at the G7 summit yesterday. They’re saying it’s the worst thing to happen to the Special Relationship since we gave them custody of James Corden.
Christine: I’m so glad we’re afforded a bit of privacy here, because I really get tired of having to hold in my thoughts about that woman around the staff. She is incompetent!
Claire: When are they going to bite the bullet and call an election to end this madness? She’s embarrassing us, she’s embarrassing the nation, she’s embarrassing her party
Norah: Hey, what are you all talking about?
Claire: Nothing! Just, uh… drapery.
Norah: You were all gathered outside with your morning tea discussing drapery?
Eleanor: We’re the Royal Family, quality drapery is very important to us.
Norah: I thought I heard the word incompetent?
Christine: You must be hearing things, now head inside and fix yourself something to eat to help get that brain working properly.
Norah: All right, I’ll be out soon, it’s beautiful out here in the morning.
Eleanor: I forgot she was even here.
Christine: I blame Olivia for always dragging her children along.
Olivia: Why wouldn’t they come? Arthur and Nathan are here!
Ethan: Arthur’s the heir apparent, and Nathan is also the son of a reigning king. Nevertheless, we are glad your children are here.
Olivia: Your children are here!
Ethan: Yes, because they are actually children. Not fifty.
Olivia: They’ll always be my babies. And Todd is only forty!
Claude: Yes, we know, we were all at the party.
Christine: Hell, we threw the party.
Eleanor: We most certainly did, we wouldn’t be all that royal if we didn’t have big bashes to celebrate those we love.
Olivia: As I’m pretty sure you forgot the question, I’ll ask again: when is the Prime Minster arriving?
Christine: We remembered the question, we just don’t want to think about how we have to see that woman.
Ethan: I know none of us like her, but we can’t let it show when she does arrive. We have a reputation to uphold, one of dignity, class, and neutrality.
Christine: Since when?
Olivia: I just would like to know why she was invited at all, clearly none of us want her here.
Claude: It’s tradition. We ask the Prime Minister to come visit with us to help strengthen our relationship with them in the hopes that we will be better partners for the sake of the United Kingdom.
Christine: I, for the record, find the idea tremendously stupid. Particularly when the Prime Minister that we’re inviting is, herself, tremendously stupid.
Eleanor: She’s still a human being, and I think human beings deserve respect, even when they are simpletons. So, let’s all show her a good time when she arrives around half past noon.
Claire: How long is she staying for?
Claude: Two days, then it’s back to London for her, while we get to stay here another two weeks. Two Trayman-free weeks.
Norah: What’s this about Trayman-free weeks?
Christine: Olivia, tell your son to tel his girlfriend to stop creeping up on us.
Later that day…
Eleanor: Thirty minutes, folks! I want everyone down here to greet the Prime Minister upon her arrival!
Claude: Mother, are you forgetting something?
Eleanor: What, did I leave my coat somewhere by mistake?
Claude: No, I’m the one in charge these days.
Eleanor: Good one, sonny boy. You always manage to make this very old woman laugh very loudly.
Ethan: Do you lot think mum’s lost her marbles and forgotten she’s abdicated?
Arthur: I think she’s just asserting that abdication doesn’t mean she’s no longer the matriarch.
Eleanor: Someone gets it!
Christine: It’s all right, Christine, she can’t live forever. Your time in the spotlight will come.
Selina: Was the coronation not enough? You need more?
Olivia’s phone rings.
Claire: Why do I hear Dua Lipa?
Olivia: Oh, that’s my phone!
Claire: You listen to Dua Lipa?
Eleanor: What is a Dua Lipa?
Gigi: My kids set it up for her! Fun, right?
Eleanor: It’s awful. What happened to Vera Lynn? Cilla Black? Petula Clark?
Ethan: Dead, dead, and… can’t possibly still be alive?
Claude: She is! Lovely woman!
Eleanor: And younger than me!
Ethan: Whoops.
Olivia steps away and answers her phone.
Olivia: Midge, this had better be an emergency. I told you, I’ll be away for a few weeks on holiday and I don’t want to be disturbed during it.
Midge: I don’t mean to disturb, there’s just an urgent matter I need to let you know about.
Olivia: And it is…?
Midge: Testy today, are we?
Olivia: Hurry it up, Midge!
Midge: I just ask for a bit of respect instead of attitude.
Olivia: You’re not supposed to be calling at all, but you did, and now you’re keeping me on the phone and dragging this out!
Midge: I’m sorry to mess with your very busy schedule of relaxing on holiday, but I thought you’d like to know that a publisher has reached out with a very lucrative offer for you to write a tell-all book.
Olivia: Does that sound like a thing I’d like to do?
Midge: I don’t know, does it?
Olivia: I’m not a tell-all sort of person, no one else needs to know my business.
Midge: You didn’t hear the offer!
Olivia: There’s no amount of money they could offer me to make me want to write a book about my life.
Midge: I don’t know what this is in pounds, because I don’t know how yank money works, but the publisher says they’ll give you a twenty-five million dollar guarantee right off the bat, and depending on sales, you could make up to forty million.
Olivia: Forty million?
Midge: apparently, you’re a pretty big deal.
Olivia: How could that possibly be profitable for them? Do people still buy books?
Midge: When that book’s written by the Queen’s once-estranged daughter it is.
Olivia: See, I’d take the offer if it weren’t for what you said just there.
Midge: Stupid Midge! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Olivia: No, it’s good you said it. If I took the deal, they would expect me to really go in-depth about my estrangement from the family, it’s the main thing people know about me. I’d love to get a lot of things off of my chest, but I don’t think telling the world about private matters would exactly help my relationship with anyone in my family. It’s something to think about, I suppose.
Midge: I’m glad you’re considering it. It’s, uh, you know, it’s a lot of money.
Olivia: Yeah, it would be nice to get a hefty payday, I’ve never been one to mooch off my family’s wealth, I’ve always been as self-made as I can be. This would certainly help me so I’d never have to rely on family money ever again.
Midge: If only we could all be so luck.
Olivia: I’m well aware of my luck, I’m just saying, even for someone well-off, that money could be a big help.
Midge: You think about it, all right? The publisher didn’t give any set time to decide by, but I’ll send you her contact information and then you can do what you want with it.
Olivia: Thank you, I appreciate it.
Midge: Not the tune you had when I first called!
Olivia: Yeah, well I didn’t know forty million dollars was on the line then.
Gretchen hangs up.
Eleanor: Olivia, the Prime Minister is here!
Olivia: Oh joy.
Meredith: Your Majesty.
Claude: Madam Prime Minister, wonderful to see you as always! You look wonderful! And, get up, there’s no need for any of these outdated traditions in private.
Meredith: Just got my hair done! I had to do it under wraps, I went to a fancy salon in London rather than in my constituency.
Claude: Have you run into trouble at your local salons?
Meredith: They’re out not as good as they are in the big city. That’s where all the really talented folks flock to.
Claude: I can see that.
Olivia: Madam Prime Minister, it is lovely to see you. I have to steal a few of my family members away for a second, but I promise, we will catch up!
Meredith: I certainly hope so! We have such to discuss!
Eleanor: Who do you wish to steal away? We’re planning on taking the Prime Minister on a hunting excursion after she settles in, I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to miss that.
Olivia: Not you, so don’t worry your head about it. It’ll only be a few minutes, anyhow.
Ethan: Only mum could have a stroke less than a year ago and still be this worried about going on a hunting trip.
Eleanor: I had a stroke, I didn’t die! Still got to live my life while I’m here!
Christine: In the meantime, I think Claire wanted to discuss something with the prime minister.
Claire: I did?
Christine: You said you had some thoughts on her party’s plan to reform the child tax plan.
Claire: I didn’t mean for her to know that.
Meredith: We’re taxing children now?
Claire: Good god…
Christine: Well, you two discuss that! The rest of us have that meeting with Olivia.
Olivia: No, not all of you! Just a few. Fred, Gigi, Todd!
Todd: Darling, would you mind if I went away? I know your mother’s here and you wanted us to bond.
Norah: Why would I mind? Mum and I can catch up, while you deal with what I can only assume is a major family crisis.
Olivia: Also, it’s five minutes, tops. I’m not asking anyone to give me years of their life here!
Todd: All right, let’s go.
Meredith: Norah, I just realized you’re here!
Claire: And we let her run Britain…
Arthur: Claire!
Claire: Oh, like you weren’t all thinking it! She didn’t even hear me, she’s too busy trying to figure out how to get her shoes off!
Christine: In her defense, the strappy heel is a very intricate design beyond basic human comprehension.
In the other room…
Gigi: So what is the basis of this emergency meeting?
Fred: Yeah, I was very excited to pick the Prime Minister’s brain. It’s so terrifying, but so fascinating at the same time, I was quite invested in getting to the bottom of what went wrong with it.
Gigi: What brain?
Todd: Don’t say that about my future mother-in-law!
Gigi: Oy.
Olivia: Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to pick her brain while she’s here. Right now, I need advice from all of you.
Gigi: How’d we get invited to this exclusive club, anyway?
Olivia: You’re the only ones in this family who I am certain view me, and not Claude, as their highest loyalty.
Gigi: Are you plotting a coup? I would support it, it’s about time we have a woman monarch again!
Todd: We just had one for over sixty years!
Gigi: And she was better!
Todd: We all miss gran, but uncle Claude is doing a fine job, certainly nothing to stage a coup over!
Olivia: No one is staging a coup?
Gigi: Aww.
Todd: You promise?
Olivia: What century do you all think it is?
Gigi: Apparently not one of the fun ones.
Fred: So what is this about? You seemed a bit disheveled after that phone call.
Olivia: You’re the observant one! That phone call was exactly why I’m feeling so conflicted and need advice.
Fred: What was it about?
Gigi: Are you dying? We don’t have to tell the public, or Claude, not if it’ll impact your -
Olivia: I am NOT doing a coup!
Todd: You haven’t denied the dying part. Please be well, mummy.
Olivia: I’m fine! God, you look pathetic!
Todd: I’m just concerned about my mother’s health, what is pathetic about that?
Olivia: The look in your eye. That’s beside the point, though, what I really need to ask all of you about is a book.
Gigi: I haven’t stolen any books from your house, why do you ask?
Olivia: I find’t mention stealing, but now I have some questions.
Gigi: Discard what I said, then!
Olivia: I’ve been contacted by a major American publisher to write a book for them, a tell-all. The contract is for up to forty million U.S. dollars.
Gigi: Holy crap! Are you planning to write it?
Todd: What do you think she’s asking us, dumbass?
Gigi: You’re the dumbass here!
Fred: Children, stop!
Olivia: I fear the publishers would want me to write about my estrangement from my family, and about the start of our relationship, and all those controversial things that we rarely discuss. I don’t know if anyone in the family would be able to accept that.
Fred: It’s your story, it’s your right to do what you want with it.
Gigi: We all know how this family can be, though. I’m all for you speaking your truth, but I highly doubt they’ll see it that way. They’ll view it as you exposing personal family secrets for profit.
Todd: That’s what it is, no?
Gigi: Yes, but there’s no shame in that! Why shouldn’t mum get herself a payday?
Todd: I’m not against it, I’m just saying, they’d be right to see it that way.
Olivia: You all think it’s fine to do it, but the real question is… should I?
Fred: Of course you should. When else will you get this opportunity again?
Gigi: I think most publishers would run with the chance to run a book by The Princess Royal, but that’s not the point. If she wants to write this book, she should. Get everything off your chest, damn the consequences!
Todd: My question is, why not ask the others before you do it? Why not nip it in the bud before any potential problem arises?
Gigi: Since when are you such a stick in the mud?
Todd: We finally got back in with our family and repaired the cracks, I don’t want to get kicked out of the family again.
Fred: They won’t kick you out.
Gigi: We were still occasionally invited to things, I’d sure that would remain, even if mum were pushed out.
Olivia: Don’t say that!
Todd: It’s a consequence worth considering. Just ask them first if you really want to avoid trouble before you write this book.
Eleanor: Olivia! We’re getting ready to go, are you coming or not?
Olivia: Yes, one minute!
Eleanor: I’m timing it this time! We’re not waiting around until it gets dark!
Olivia: So, this didn’t really help me make up my mind, but you did all raise some good points, and I will consider them before I make my final decision.
Meredith: Your Royal Highness, your mother says your time is up!
Olivia: Tell her to get a new stopwatch!
Meredith: Will do!
The next morning…
Fred: Morning, dear!
Olivia: Am I the last one awake? Even the Prime Minister managed to rise from her coffin before me?
Meredith: I don’t sleep in a coffin, silly!
Olivia: Bloodsucker, dream crusher…
Eleanor: Olivia, be polite.
Olivia: I am polite! Would you want people to not point it out to you if you had vampiric fangs?
Meredith: I have fangs?
Olivia: No one’s ever pointed it out before? You look like -
Claude: What a lovely morning it is! Look at the sun shining on the lawn, hear those birds chirping, it’s so nice to get to slow down for a bit and take in the beauty of our world.
Christine: We could hear it better if everyone stopped talking, we were all so quiet before Olivia arrived.
Olivia: Everything’s always my fault.
Selina: It’s not so hard to sip your tea in silence and relax, is it?
Olivia: God forbid you want to talk with your family?
Todd: I believe you were making fun of the Prime Minister right off the bat, not really a wholesome family conversation
Gigi: Oh, naff off, Todd!
Todd: Are you going to let her talk to me that way?
Fred: You’e forty, Todd. Yes, she’s going to let her talk to you that way.
Christine: Balmoral used to be so much more peaceful before, you know…
Arthur: They’re good for comedic purposes, at least.
Gigi: Thank you! We try!
Olivia: I have to make a phone call, anyhow. You all enjoy your peace and quiet, I’ll be back soon enough.
Ethan: Wow, my luddite sister has really gotten he hang of phones! I’m proud of her!
Olivia: I’m not a simpleton!
Claire: Some here are.
Meredith: Who?
Claire: Never mind.
Olivia walks inside and calls Elsa McCarthy, the publisher of Top Notch Books.
Elsa: Hello? Who is this? It’s very, very late, I’d prefer if you called back tomorrow instead.
Olivia: I’m so sorry! I forgot all about timezones, what time is it there?
Elsa: Oh my god! I’m so sorry, I don’t know royal protocol, what am I supposed to call you?
Olivia: Just “Olivia” is fine.
Elsa: Well, “Olivia” -
Olivia: You don’t have to say it like that, it truly is my name.
Elsa: It’s an absolute honor to get to speak to you. Even after I made you that offer, I never excepted you to personally call me up. Do you know how many powerful, world-famous people whose books I’ve released without ever once actually meeting me? So many people think fame and fortune mean you should never bother to branch out and meet new people. I’m glad you’re not like that. Oh, I’m talking far too much, I’m sorry. I’m just very tired, it’s just before midnight and I’ve been up since six.
Olivia: I won’t hold you, then. And, I think you’ll find over our working relationship that I am far from stuck-up and snobby. Being “royalty” truly means very little to me in terms of how I treat others. No one’s lesser than me because I lucked out in terms of what family I was born into.
Elsa: Does that line about our “working relationship” mean you’re going to accept the offer?
Olivia: It does indeed. I hope that this will be the beginning of a long and fruitful partnership for the both of us. Now, head off to bed before you pass out.
Elsa: I’m a bit too excited for that now! Not every day that you speak to royalty and they personally accept a book deal!
Olivia: What did I just say?
Elsa: I know what you said, but… you’re the queen’s daughter!
Olivia: The king’s sister now.
Elsa: You’re very famous and very powerful.
Olivia: If only that were true! Now, I’ll be speaking with you later, I don’t want to keep you any longer. Take a melatonin!
Elsa: Goodbye, “Olivia!”
Olivia: Stop saying it that way!
Olivia hangs up.
Claire: What was that about?
Olivia: Too early in the morning to be nosy, dear.
Claire: You’re right, I’m just trying to get away from Prime Minister Bozo. Can’t stand the sight of her.
Olivia: Few can.
What did you think of the season premiere of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
