Olivia walks into Buckingham Palace.
Olivia: Hello? Anyone here?
Meredith: Your Royal Highness, the Princess Royal! What are you doing here?
Olivia: You can just call me Olivia, we know each other too well for you to be talking so formally anytime you see me.
Meredith: Is that allowed?
Olivia: You called His Majesty “Claude” the first time you met him.
Meredith: I suppose you do have a point.
Olivia: So, what are you doing here?
Meredith: What do you mean?
Olivia: Why are you in Buckingham Palace? You live on Downing Street, I presume you’re here for a reason and didn’t simply get lost on your way back from Westminster.
Meredith: Oh, right! His Majesty wanted to discuss planning for Trooping the Colour.
Olivia: He hasn’t asked me for help planning.
Meredith: Well, I guess he didn’t really ask me to help with planning it. He just wants to know my plans for whether I’m going to attend or not.
Olivia: Oh! I hope that’s not why I’ve been called here, I could tell him that on the phone.
Meredith: I don’t mind, I’m not busy.
Olivia: You’re… you’re the prime minister.
Meredith: Yes, it’s not as involved of a job as you’d think.
Olivia: Well, you’ve survived in it for nearly two years, so that tracks.
Meredith: What does that mean?
Olivia: Oh, nothing.
Meredith: No, I really want to know! I can handle it!
Olivia: Uh -
Eleanor: Olivia, you’re brother is ready to see you.
Olivia: Saved by the mum! I’ll be seeing you, Meredith.
Meredith: Nice catching up!
Olivia: Sure!
Olivia walks into the sitting room.
Olivia: You made me wait out there with that woman for so long!
Claude: My god, I needed time to compose myself. That was the most excruciating hour of my entire life.
Olivia: Hour? She said you were only asking if she was attending Trooping the Colour!
Claude: Any other conversations with her would take at least twice as long. She’s about as thick as two short planks.
Olivia: That’s long been known, you shouldn’t be surprised.
Claude: Oh, I’m not surprised. I say a prayer every night that the Tories will finally send her packing so I can deal with someone that has even half a brain cell.
Olivia: I have at least half a brain cell, so what did you call me here for? You better not have called me in just so you had someone to vent to about our prime simpleton.
Claude: Lord, no. I know you’re far too busy for that, that’s why I have Christine. Or, when Christine is busy, I’ve got Mandy.
Olivia: Mandy? Does she know who Trayman is?
Claude: Sometimes.
Olivia: So she knows who Trayman is about as often as Trayman herself does. Pretty good.
Claude: I’ve call you in to discuss meeting with a very bright young woman.
Olivia: I know Claire every well, I don’t need to schedule a meeting with her.
Claude: Not Claire. There’s a pop singer from the United States, her name is Allie Roberts. The Palace has set it up for her to do a private performance for our family
Olivia: Why, you getting into the pop music of today’s children? Are you joining TakTik?
Claude: TikTok?
Olivia: What are you, a clock?
Claude: That’s the name of the app, which I am not on. And, no, I’m not joining it, nor do I particularly care about the music of today’s children. However, my grandchildren are wild about this young woman, and I must say, she is very talented.
Olivia: Are you asking me to listen to her music? I’ll have to get Gigi to help me with this “Spotify” app I keep hearing about.
Claude: You don’t have to listen to it, I just want you to meet with this young lady, show her around the city a bit. Be her personal guide, her Royal family liaison.
Olivia: You want me to be a tour guide to a teenager?
Claude: Yes.
Olivia: May I have a moment?
Claude: Don’t get upset.
Olivia: How could I not?
Claude: It’s an enviable task to be given, many people would want to do it.
Olivia: Be a tour guide for an American?
Claude: An American pop phenom!
Olivia: I don’t know her, and I am the King’s sister! I think I’m a bit above being a tour guide! We have a staff for that.
Claude: I want to show Miss Roberts all our city, and our family, has to offer. The young folks don’t have the highest of opinions about our family, getting someone like her to promote us could really help.
Olivia: Promote us? We’re the Royal Family, not the new Minions movie! We don’t need promotion!
Claude: It’s good to win over the culture, by any means. So, just show Miss Roberts a good time, make her feel special and like London is the greatest city in the world.
Olivia: I’m not really a city girl. You know who is? Selina!
Claude: Selina has a likability issue.
Olivia: I’m aware of that, but surely she can dial that back for one afternoon!
Claude: I’ll beg if I must.
Olivia: Don’t beg, I’ll do it. I’ll be your huckleberry.
Claude: What does that mean?
Olivia: I don’t know, I heard it in an American film, it sounded like it fit here.
Claude: But you’re not American, it just sounded silly.
Olivia: I’m aware. Now, I’m going to head out. I have a lot of work to do brushing up on my Yank spec.
Claude: You don’t need to do that. Just show her a good British time. That’s what she’s here to experience.
Olivia: You sure?
Claude: I am sure.
Olivia: Well, I’ve still got to go. This isn’t the only thing on my schedule for today, after all.
Claude: I’m aware of that, and I’m very grateful you took time out of a busy schedule to come and chat with me.
Olivia: You’re the king, I can’t exactly decline.
Claude: You have in the past. Many times.
Olivia: Yes, but this is different.
Claude: How?
Olivia: You lied and claimed this one was urgent.
Later that night, when Olivia arrives at home…
Gigi: Ah, look who’s finally returned!
Olivia: I didn’t realize the cavalry was awaiting my arrival.
Todd: Well, we heard the big news and needed to see if it was true!
Olivia: You came all the way from your flat for that? You couldn’t call?
Todd: My flat’s in this building, it was hardly a far walk.
Gigi: As is mine.
Olivia: I keep forgetting about this living situation. I miss the country!
Gigi: Well, luckily your second driving ban is about to be lifted next month, so you can get that life back soon!
Todd: For now, though, you’re a pop star’s tour guide.
Gigi: Admittedly, it’s not ideal for a senior royal to be given the responsibility of chaperoning a teenager around London, but I think it’s a compliment.
Olivia: I’m glad someone sees it that way, but I do have to ask how you know about it.
Gigi: Uncle Claude called me, he asked me to try to get you more excited about it.
Olivia: Look, I have nothing against this girl, I just think it’s demeaning to ask me to chauffeur her around the city.
Gigi: Well, legally, you can’t chauffeur anyone.
Olivia: You know what I mean!
Gigi: Don’t think of it as demeaning. You’re just one person being asked to spend the afternoon with another.
Todd: Frankly, I’m a bit surprised you’re so against this, mum. You’ve never been one to think you’re above meeting with the people.
Olivia: I don’t know what it is about this. I just feel I’m being sidelined.
Gigi: You feel he’s dimming your shine. I get it, I can relate!
Olivia: You get it?
Gigi: Of course, my boss does it all the time!
Olivia: Okay, Claude is not my boss!
Todd: He kind of is. He’s the head of the family, of this firm, your job is to serve on behalf of it and represent it to the British people.
Olivia: Don’t ever save that again.
Todd: I actually think this is a pretty good task to be given. The kids love Allie Roberts, this can connect you to them. Maybe you can even make a TikTok!
Olivia: Why does everyone keep mentioning that app today? I don’t know how to use it! It seems like rubbish!
Gigi: Mum, do you resent the youth?
Olivia: Me? Of course not! I just don’t understand them.
Gigi: It’s perfectly natural to dislike something you don’t understand. It’s why I resented Todd for so many years. I couldn’t possibly understand why you brought him home.
Olivia: Neither could I, if I’m being honest.
Todd: Hey!
Olivia: I have to tell the truth, you were a very annoying baby.
Gigi: Thankfully, he grew up to, uh… at least he cries less now.
Olivia: I do suppose you raise a good point. I should have an open mind, and try to have a nice afternoon with this girl. Maybe I can even give her music a listen. How does Spotify work?
Gigi: Todd, that’s your job.
Todd: So, it’s… let me just set it up for you.
Olivia: Thank you, dear. I’d never be able to figure all this out myself.
Two days later…
Fred: Where are you off to in such a hurry?
Olivia: I have to go pick up the pop star from the airport!
Fred: At seven in the morning? Is that not a bit early for a flight?
Olivia: Well, she’s American. It was afternoon when she took off. Not to mention, I have to get out of here a bit earlier than usual. Gigi’s joining me, so I likely have to go wake her up.
Fred: Why do you have to pick this young popster up, anyway?
Olivia: Actually, it’s my driver picking her up.
Fred: Why do you have to go with? Are you really beginning your tour of London right after she arrives? At seven in the morning? Surely she’ll be exhausted from all that flying.
Olivia: Claude asked me to show her to her hotel. Apparently she’s entirely unable to find a hotel with just the help of a driver. They’re so pampered these days.
Fred: Ahem?
Olivia: I heard that. What’s it to mean?
Fred: The Princess Royal is calling someone else pampered?
Olivia: I don’t think that's fair, I was born into it.
Fred: Still pampered!
Olivia: Not to that level!
Fred: Your childhood portraits suggest otherwise.
Olivia: I don’t need to listen to this, I have to run before my driver leaves without me.
Fred: Farewell, my working-class hero.
Olivia: Naff off!
Later, at Heathrow Airport…
Olivia: Would you believe this girl, making us wait like this?
Gigi: It’s been fifteen minutes, she’s likely been stopped to sign autographs or something. She’s a huge star.
Olivia: No one ever stops me for an autograph!
Gigi: I think most people believe that’s against royal protocol.
Olivia: Oh, it is. They still attempt it with others, though.
Gigi: Don’t take it personally.
Olivia: I don’t!
Gigi: You’re all cranked up lately, mum. Just chill. Think about it, you get to show an internationally-adored pop star around the city. Kids across the world would give anything to experience that!
Olivia: I’m seventy years old, I think a bit differently than them.
Gigi: I thought you liked her music.
Olivia: It’s good music, I’m just a bit too old for the celebrity worshipping.
Gigi: Not even Colin Firth?
Olivia: Colin Firth is different. Pop stars are a dime a dozen.
Gigi: Can you at least try to have a good time?
Olivia: I will try, though I simply don’t think I’m the right choice to give her a tour of the city. I don’t like the city all that much.
Gigi: I guess everyone else was too busy, uncle Claude surely wouldn’t have given you this responsibility if he had any other option. He knows how you are.
Olivia: How I am?
Gigi: Y-
Allie: Your Royal Highness! Oh, it’s so wonderful to meet you!
Olivia: You must be Miss Roberts. Lovely to meet you.
Gigi: And I’m her daughter. No royal title, she decided for me that I didn’t want one.
Olivia: Well, did you?
Gigi: I think it would’ve been fun.
Olivia: That can be a conversation for later. Miss Roberts -
Allie: Just call me Allie.
Olivia: All right, that works. You call me Olivia!
Allie: Olivia, I really appreciate you welcoming me here. It’s not every day you’re welcomed to a country by the king’s sister.
Olivia: I prefer to think of myself as my mother’s daughter. I haven’t quite grasped that I take orders from my brother yet.
Gigi: I wouldn’t be able to take orders from Todd.
Allie: I know the feeling. I’m and only child, but I grew up with many cousins, and I wouldn’t be able to take orders from any of them seriously.
Olivia: I don’t mind all of his orders. After all, he did order me to show you around London, and that’s not so bad!
Gigi: Isn’t I-
Olivia: Hush. Now, about showing you around… what time works for you tomorrow? This is all about making sure you have a good experience here, so I can pick you up whenever.
Allie: Why not today? I don’t want to take up your time tomorrow, too.
Olivia: We figured you’d need some rest after that flight.
Allie: I did plenty of sleeping on the flight, I’m all rested and ready to go.
Olivia: Oh, all right then. Where do you want to go first?
Allie: Surprise me!
Two hours later…
Olivia: Very few civilians ever get to visit here, so this is a very rare treat.
Allie: It’s a door. Is there more to the door?
Olivia: That’s a complex question, dear. Let’s head on in.
Allie: Is the door not locked?
Olivia: I’ve already made arrangements for it to be opened, surely they’ll open it any moment now that they can clearly see we’re here.
Gigi: There it goes!
Allie: I think I remember this door now, I’ve seen it on The Cr-
Gigi: We don’t talk about that.
Meredith: Welcome to Number 10!
Allie: Oh my god, you’re -
Meredith: The Prime Minister, yes. It is a treat to have you, we seldom get visitors that aren’t political animals.
Olivia: Speaking of animals, where’s Larry?
Meredith: Taking a nap. He’s a very old cat, he needs his sleep.
Olivia: He’s the best part of this place, the rest of it’s just a building!
Allie: You know, when I said to surprise me, I expected you to take me to Big Ben or outside Buckingham Palace or something, not to meet the Prime Minister! This is wild.
Olivia: Well, she owes me a favor, so she couldn’t turn me down.
Meredith: I’m not busy, so it’s no bother. You’re just keeping me from getting harassed by Labour at Westminster. This gives me an excuse to send my deputy instead for PMQs.
Allie: I don’t know why, but I always thought the prime minister had a very busy schedule and didn’t have time for stuff like this.
Olivia: We all did, but the past few years sure have proven us wrong.
Meredith: I work hard to prove my doubters and haters wrong.
Allie: I can’t help but feel like you should’ve been a pop star and not a politician with a mentality like that.
Gigi: Don’t inflate her ego any further.
Meredith: Maybe I should try and write a song for you! Like I said, I have a lot of downtime.
Olivia: I believe I speak for every citizen of this country when I say that that is truly terrifying.
Allie: I think it’s a sweet idea, but you should focus on being prime minister, it’s a hard job. I can focus on the writing.
Olivia: It’s really not a hard job.
Meredith: It certainly is! Do you know how many phone calls I had to make today?
Olivia: That does sound complex.
Meredith: Thank you! People don’t understand how difficult that can be!
Olivia: You certainly don’t make it look easy.
Meredith: Aww, I really appreciate that! Now, how about that tour? Allie, you are about to get the rarest of looks into the inner-workings of the British government, a complete look at the building that runs the nation.
Olivia: Well, “runs” is a bit inaccurate. It continues to operate in spite of what happens here.
Meredith: Ignore her, Allie, she loves me!
Olivia: Sure.
Meredith: Now, follow me, we’re going to head up to my residence, no one ever gets to see this.
Olivia: No one else has ever wanted to.
Meredith: If we make good time, I can even even show you the secret underground tunnels!
Allie: Oh! Cool! Cool?
Olivia: The secret what?
Meredith: Ah, your brother knows all about them.
Olivia: Of course of does!
One hour later…
Olivia: I’m so sorry for that.
Allie: No, it was nice! No ever gets to see that, it was a unique experience.
Olivia: And it should stay unique. That woman is a, what do you Americans call it, a dingbat.
Allie: That’s a bit outdated, but yes, dingbat works.
Gigi: To be fair, though, she’s very funny. It was nice when she got lost in her own office.
Allie: She doesn’t seem like she does much work in it.
Olivia: And thank god for that!
Allie: I did feel bad when you wouldn’t let her take that selfie with me, though.
Olivia: Trust me, Allie, if she posted that, you’d be chased out of the country. It was a matter of your safety.
Allie: Does your country hate her that much?
Gigi: “Hate” would be putting it kindly.
Allie: What’s so bad about her?
Gigi: What isn’t?
Olivia: The worst part is, my son’s gone and fallen in love with her daughter, so our family might be stuck with her long past the time the country’s rid of her.
Gigi: That time hopefully will be very, very soon.
Allie: So, where to next? If I may submit a request, I’d like for it to be someplace you like.
Olivia: Did you not enjoy the tour of Number 10?
Allie: I enjoyed it, you just didn’t seem to.
Olivia: Well, I’m your host, sometimes the host has to make sacrifices for the sake of their guest. Case in point, where we’re off to next…
One hour later…
Olivia: Allie, we have to go.
Allie: I’m so sorry about this, I should’ve known to throw on some sort of disguise. I’m sure you’re used to this sort of thing, though.
Gigi: You’d think, but, no!
Olivia: Everyone, I order you to leave Miss Roberts alone immediately! The King is my brother and I can have you all added to a watchlist if you don’t mind your own business and back away from her!
Gigi: Why didn’t you do that sooner?
Olivia: Didn’t think it’d work! Guess tourists really are gullible!
Allie: So how close can we get to the actual palace?
Olivia: We’re going right in! Say hi to the guards on the way in! They can’t say anything back, but I assume they enjoy being given some recognition.
Allie: Hi, guys!
Olivia: Don’t worry, we’ll be back out in time for the changing of the guards, it’s quite fun.
Olivia, Allie and Gigi walk through the gate and into the palace.
Claire: Oh my! Your Majesty, we have guests!
Claude: Guets? Who?
Claire: The Princess Royal, and, uh, Miss Roberts.
Olivia: Hi, Claire.
Allie: Hello, Your Royal Highness!
Olivia: That’s just Claire.
Claire: What’s that supposed to mean?
Olivia: She doesn’t have to, you know, curtsey and be all technical.
Allie: Your Majesty!
Olivia: Okay, you, gotta do it for him.
Claude: It’s lovely to meet you, Miss Roberts. Olivia, can we have a moment?
Olivia: Is something the matter?
Christine: Claude, you didn’t tell me we were having guests today!
Claude: We weren’t supposed to be, Christine!
Olivia: All right, I see it now. No need to talk.
Claude: Oh, there’s a need.
Claude and Olivia step into the sitting room and shut the door behind them, while the others are in the hall.
Christine: So you must be Allie Roberts! My grandchildren are crazy about you.
Allie: Your majesty, that is really an honor to hear.
Christine: You can loosen up, it’s okay. We’re not as stuffy and rigid as Olivia’s probably told you we are.
Allie: Actually, she’s told me many interesting stories about some of your family’s wilder days.
Christine: All lies, I’m sure.
Allie: They were pretty detailed.
Claire: I’m going to go grab the children, they’re just inside and I know they’d be so excited to meet you.
Allie: That would be very nice! I love meeting fans, met a whole bunch of them outside, or else we’d have been in here an hour sooner.
Mandy: Who is that? Is that the Prime Minister? Mrs. Thatcher, you look different!
Eleanor: Mandy! Get back in here! Young lady, I’m so sorry you have to deal with her lunacy!
Allie: Oh my god, you’re the queen! I don’t know what to call you.
Eleanor: That’s fine, dear, “the queen” suffices.
Allie: I’m meeting the queen, oh my god!
Christine: You’ve already met her!
Allie: Of course!
Eleanor: Christine, we all know what everyone is referring to when they say “the queen.”
Christine: Yes, me! You’re the former queen.
Eleanor: Not so.
Gigi (whispering): Allie, you’re about to witness what we call a “royal rumble.”
Eleanor: I heard that, Genevieve!
Gigi: How?
Eleanor: I’m in far better shape than anyone believes! These ears aren’t a day over twenty.
Christine: Not when you have your hearing aids in, that is.
Eleanor: Don’t be a diva.
Mandy: What about Devo? You want me to Whip It?
Eleanor: What is a Devo?
Gigi: This is sad to watch.
In the sitting room…
Claude: Olivia, when I said to take Miss Roberts on a tour of London, I meant Big Ben, or Piccadilly Circus, or the Lower of London. Maybe even a day at the British Museum! I did not mean to take her through Buckingham Palace!
Olivia: You should have specified then.
Claude: In though it was relatively simple to understand that.
Olivia: You didn’t want her to feel like a regular tourist, you wanted her to feel special.
Claude: This is a bit much.
Olivia: The Prime Minister had no issue with it, in fact, she was overjoyed.
Claude: Of course she was, she has no responsibilit - wait, you bothered the Prime Minister? At Number 10?
Olivia: She’s getting the full tour.
Claire: Don’t mind me, just running on through, keep up the conversation, I’m not listening!
Claude: No, you stay!
Claire: Must I?
Claude: I need an opinion on this. Is it not unorthodox for her to be taking a pop star throughout all of the most secret locations in London? She’s brought her through our living quarters!
Claire: I see no harm with it, now we all get to meet her.
Claude: You were supposed to let her rest today, anyway. Is this your attempt of getting out of meeting her tomorrow?
Olivia: Bollocks! I’m making the most of my time with her, we have a full schedule for tomorrow as well.
Claude: You are having fun with her?
Olivia: Yes, I’m not sure why that upsets you so.
Claude: It doesn’t, it’s just a shock.
Olivia: I can be quite easy-going.
Claude: All right, she is here after all, may as well give her a full tour of the palace.
Olivia: I just want to thank you again for introducing me to my new friend! I never would have met her without you forcing me to! You know best yet again!
Claude: That feel sarcastic, but I’ll let it stand.
Claude and Olivia walk back into the hall.
Claude: All right, Miss Roberts, would you like the full tour?
Allie: Of Buckingham Palace?
Claude: Where else?
Allie: Wow, no one’s gonna believe this!
Claude: I’m not fully sure I do, either! This is quite a special case!
Olivia: She is quite special, after all.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
